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Jun. 18 2010 - 1:50 pm | 1,419 views | 1 recommendation | 12 comments

Joe Lieberman Proposes Internet Kill Switch, World Proposes Joe Lieberman Kill Switch

NEW YORK, New York (T/S) — “He can cause too much damage,” said Richard Litner, State Senator from Tampa, FL, “we’ve got to be able to shut him down during an emergency.”

After Senator Joe Lieberman proposed a bill yesterday that would give the President the ability to “kill” the Internet in case of emergency, an important counter proposal began circulating the nation: a Joe Lieberman kill switch. “We’re not saying we would kill Joe,” Litner continued, “just incapacitate him so he can’t do anything stupid, like try to strip American citizenship from anyone suspected of terrorism or, you know, run for office again.”

“Basically we’re talking about a long deep nap,” detailed Sarah Kamen of Kamen Technology. “We can insert a small chip in Senator Lieberman’s brain that will shut down any activity, preventing him from worsening whatever crisis is currently occurring. After it’s over, you can wake him up again.” The technology that Kamen developed is similar to that used for the electric fences that keep dogs from leaving their owner’s property “It turns out Senator Lieberman has brain patterns very similar to a Golden Retriever, or perhaps a very dim Basset Hound.” “Also,” Kamen adds, “the chip may give Joe a small shock as he’s put into rest mode, which will act as a deterrent from future misbehavior.”

Concern over Lieberman’s reckless desires to legislate are being felt abroad as well. “I met Joe once,” remembers King Abdullah of Jordan. “He’s a crazy motherfucker. I can’t believe you people almost made him the Vice President! I think about that every night before I go to sleep. Probably why I started drinking again… ”

If there’s one thing Richard Litner, who plans to introduce the Lieberman kill switch bill to the State Senate next week, wants the public to remember, it’s Lieberman’s unpredictability. “He endorsed universal healthcare in 2000 when he ran for the White House with Al Gore.  Then he tried to singlehandedly derail it in 2009 because the public option cost too much in taxes, which actually makes no sense whatsoever. THEN he said he was against the public option because it would make private health insurance too high, which, incidentally, also makes absolutely no sense. Now he thinks the President should have control of the Internet? I know this doesn’t sound terribly senatorial, but…yikes!”

“We’ve seen the damage that an unfettered, free-wheeling Joe Lieberman can do,” Litner concludes. “He thinks the Internet can be dangerous during a national crisis? I’m a lot more worried about him.”


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  1. collapse expand

    Funny you should mention Kosher Joe. I’ve been thinking for awhile now about an alternative to the 2012 presidential elections. The problem basically boils down to this: The American people are no longer competent to elect effective leaders. So we need other way to divide “the wheat from the chafe,” so to speak. One that doesn’t involve the title “Presidente for Life.”
    So here’s my plan: Instead of having party primaries and caucuses (or is it caucusii?) and everyone going to the polls on election day, we simply take the contenders from all parties (libertarians I’m lookin’ @ you) out into the Boston Harbor in a boat (Boston Tea Party, blah blah blah, to pull on the patriotic heartstrings, of course). Then, as the nation watches their HD tv’s with baited breath, the candidates are tossed overboard. The one who walks on the water to shore is president. If they all drown, the boat returns to shore and starts loading up with senators for round two. We simply repeat the process until we find our King Aurthur, or the recession ends, whichever comes first.
    Now of course I know that it’s views like these that make me less than popular. But in the words of the late great John Cleese,* “I for one have never courted popularity.”

    *Yes, I know he’s still alive, too.

  2. collapse expand

    Strange I had thought Lieberman had shut down several years ago…didn’t he implode on Meet the Press babbling about bombing Iran to protect our fine insurance companies?

  3. collapse expand

    I’d rather boot Joe than re-boot him.

  4. collapse expand

    Very funny stuff. If the senator from the great state of…(where the hell is he from?)…would have a Helen Thomas moment…an orgasmic thought. Helen Thomas, Joe Lieberman, orgasmic thoughts…I might need a little help here.

  5. collapse expand

    Joe lieberman is inherently stupid when it comes to reality. Go ahead, shut down the internet and the rest of the world will want us ALL dead. 80% of the world’s communication relies on the internet. ALL cell traffic eventually rides the ether highway. Secret Service wouldn’t have their blackberries, Obama wouldn’t have his. He would dig his own grave if he shut it down. He would be digging ours too. Do you think that the rest of the planet wants one idiot to control all that information? No, not one iota.

    • collapse expand

      Hmm, someone obviously does not know how the world communicates. I work for a cell carrier and happen to actually know how it works. Edumacate yourself.

      In response to another comment. See in context »
    • collapse expand

      Cute political jokes aside, it is never a good idea to call a politician “stupid” or to suggest installing a “kill switch” on them.

      Credibility depends upon properly assessing WHY an idea can’t work. And believe me, there are plenty of things wrong with this idea that have nothing to do with technology.

      However, it is best to make your points carefully and methodically, without resorting to name calling. Flinging poo only diminishes those who fling it. This is why we rightfully get angry at those who shout down opponents instead of debating them.

      In response to another comment. See in context »
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    About Me

    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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