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Jun. 10 2010 - 9:06 am | 1,015 views | 1 recommendation | 4 comments

Obama calls Palin for advice on oil spill…

Non-Governor Sarah Palin announced on her Facebook page this week that she has a lot of knowledge that could be useful to President Obama as he tries to get the BP oil spill cleaned up. In a piece titled “Less Talkin’, More Kickin’”, she recommended the President call many of the people she worked with in Alaska after Exxon Valdez, or failing that, call Palin herself. Here’s a transcript of that call…

(Ring Ring. Ring Ring)

Todd Palin: Hello, Palin residence, this is Todd speaking, how can I direct your ca–

(Phone disconnected.)

(Ring Ring. Ring Ring)

Todd Palin: Hello, Palin residence, this is Todd. Is anyone there?

Obama: Hello, Todd. This is President Obama. I just called and got disconnected. Is everything alright?

Todd Palin: Oh, hello, Mr. President. Wow, never thought you’d be calling here. Sorry, I must’ve hung up by accident. I’m still getting the hang of these phones. They’re real tricky.

Obama: (chuckling) I understand. Sarah’s got you doing a new job around the house, huh?

Todd Palin: No, I’ve been answering the phone for about twenty years now.

Obama: Then the phones are…new?

Todd Palin: No.

Obama: Then why are you having troubl–

Todd Palin: Like I said, they’re real tricky. Should I get Sarah for you?

Obama: Please do.

Todd Palin: Hold on.

(Phone disconnected.)

Obama: Jesus Christ.

(Ring Ring. Ring Ring.)

Sarah Palin: Hello? Mr. President? You there?

Obama: Yes, Sarah. What happened to Todd?

Sarah Palin: Oh I just figured I’d answer it, save us all a little grief. What can I say, he’s not much help around the house but he sure looks good in a pair of blue jeans, know what I mean?

Obama: (chuckling) Yes, well, if you say so…

(Pause. Silence.)

Obama: Hello? Sarah? Are you there?

Sarah Palin: Oh yeah, sorry. I was just winking. Sometimes I forget that doesn’t come through over the phone.

Obama: Right, so, I was calling because you said you have some advice about cleaning up the oil spill? I’m very disappointed with the government’s response so far, and I’m open to any ideas. What have you got for me?

Sarah Palin: Yeah, what you gotta do is, you gotta kick ‘em in the pants.

Obama: Excuse me?

Sarah Palin: Kick those big-wig, fat-cat oil barons right in their fancy pants!

Obama: Kick them in their…pants.

Sarah Palin: You betcha’. Happy you called me, aren’t ya?

Obama: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What exactly does that mean, the kicking in the pants?

Sarah Palin: You gotta play hardball, Barry. Can I call you “Barry”?

Obama: No.

Sarah Palin: Great, so they’re not gonna want to clean this up, Barry, but you gotta hold their feet to the fire. Let me put this in your terms…just imagine they’re a community that doesn’t want to be organized. But what you do is you’re a community organizer, so you gotta get them in line.

Obama: Actually, Sarah, I’m the President of the United States.

Sarah Palin: Yeah. More or less.

(Pause)

Obama: You’re winking again, aren’t you?

Sarah Palin: You betcha’! Just follow what I did during Exxon Valdez, if you use me as guidebook, this mess will all be done and cleaned up in no time.

Obama: Sarah, the Exxon Valdez spill was in 1989. You were a sportscaster in 1989. What do you want me to do to BP, read them the scores from tonight’s baseball games?

Sarah Palin: No, I meant after. During the civil case against Exxon. I was governor then.

Obama: So after the cleanup was finished? That’s what you’re an expert in?

Sarah Palin: Yep, there ya go. We got a lot of money for the good people of Alaska. That’s what you gotta do.

Obama: Alaskans were first awarded $5 Billion dollars, then, during your tenure, they were told they could only have $500 million.

Sarah Palin: Yeah. Kicked those fat cats right in their pants!

Obama: So just to be clear, you don’t actually have any experience working on oil cleanup, and your legal advice is to reduce a settlement for the victims by over $4 billion dollars?

Sarah Palin: You got it, Mr. Preside-

(Phone clicks. The beeps of numbers being dialing is heard.)

Sarah Palin: Todd. Todd! We’re still on the phone. You can’t make a call right now–

(The beeps continue, more insistently)

Sarah Palin: Todd! Hang up the phone! I’m on an important call! Todd?!

(Pause. Then more beeps)

Obama: You know what, I think got all I need. Thanks for your time, Sarah. This has been very helpful.

(Click. Obama hangs up.)

(The beeps continue)

Palin: That’s it Todd, no TV tonight if you keep this up!

(The phone rustles)

Todd: Oh, Sarah,  are you using the phone? I had no idea. Darn, these things are real tricky…


Comments

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  1. collapse expand

    Best Sarah Palin video I’ve ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FKWOTBqG2o

    Complete with dinosaurs, nuclear bombs, Matt Damon, and mariachi music… LOL

  2. collapse expand

    Funny, but pure scifi. As mentioned before, I know the Palins, and the idea that either of them is qualified to operate a telephone ranks right up there with the idea that Hayzoos made dinosaur fossils to fool atheist scientists into going to hell. The giant blue monkeys on Avatar were more realistic.

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    About Me

    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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