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Jun. 2 2010 - 9:39 am | 467 views | 0 recommendations | 3 comments

The BP Drinking Game

Memorial Day has passed, and if you’re like me, you’re already wondering when your next binge drinking opportunity might arise. Well, fear not, the time is upon us! Allow me to introduce the British Petroleum Drinking Game, the first contest to combine a horrible man-made disaster with the joys of mind-blowing intoxication. Well, maybe not the the first, but certainly the best.

Every time someone from BP says something you don’t believe, take a drink. That’s how it all started six weeks ago. But then, after it became clear that almost everything they said was crap, revisions were required. It’s not really a drinking “game” if you’re forced to chug a beer every thirty seconds then have to call an ambulance. So I decided to add a positive stipulation: Every time someone says something you do believe, take a jog around the block. Sound good? Well, after one week I had gone through three bottles of tequila and not left my apartment once. There was a brief moment where I ran in place, but that was just to make sure my heart hadn’t stopped. So I tinkered, and came up with this. Get some friends and some booze, because this disaster is just getting started…

The British Petroleum Drinking Game

-Whenever it sounds like BP’s solution to the leak will actually make the leak worse: 1 Drink

-”This is Obama’s Katrina” is said: 1 Drink

-James Carville looks like he’s about to say something insane, thinks better of it, then decides to say it anyway: 2 Drinks

-An obviously conservative news outlet pretends to care about the environment so they can stick it to Obama: 2 Drinks

-The word “probe” is used 5 times in one minute: 3 Drinks

-After a reporter shows the camera their oil slicked hand, they awkwardly wipe the mess off on the back of their suit: 3 Drinks

-A “relief well” is described in any way that can’t be immediately followed with “That’s what she said.”: 5 Drinks

-BP CEO Tony Hayward shows the smallest amount of genuine human compassion: 50 Drinks

But that’s not all, folks. Say you’re not a speed drinker. (Wuss.) Perhaps you’re more of a cocktail sipper? Well then please enjoy one of these fine disaster-themed beverage recipes. Because after something like this, what can you do really, other than get drunk?

The Dirty Loon

1 part Jagermeister, 1 part chocolate liquor, 1 part Nyquil, coat rim with crude petroleum.

Gives the inside of your throat that irreplaceable “trapped in hazardous waste” feeling.

The Tony Hayward

1 part cheap British gin, 1 part grapefruit juice, a teaspoon of bitters, and 5 drops of Tabasco sauce. Garnish with a dead clam.

Tastes like actual stomach bile!

Containment Dome Buster

2 parts Whiskey, 1 Part Tequila, splash of Hydrochloric Acid.

Fill shot glass with liquor, then put on safety goggles. Drop a splash of hydrochloric acid in the glass, then cover with a paper cup, or “containment dome.” Within seconds, the acid will eat throw the cup and destroy the dome – just like in real life! Gulp and enjoy.

Top Kill Colada

Take one traditional Pina Colada and shoot mud into it at a high velocity. Hope for the best.

Have a shot of Tony today!


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  1. collapse expand

    Gulf of Mexico Slammer:

    Two parts Tequila Blanco
    One part 30-weight motor oil
    One golf ball

    Mix tequila and motor oil in shaker. Poor into shot glass. Place hand over glass, slam glass on table, and drink as shot. Then shove golf ball down throat to keep from puking. Congrats! You’ve averted an environmental disaster! And for the truly brave:

    The Palin Piledriver

    One Bottle 151-proof Bicardi
    One hole in ground
    One mallet
    One Consertive Lipstick-wearing Pitbull
    Optional: One lime wedge as chaser

    Drink Rum as fast as you can (insert lime wedge here). Insert hockey mom into hole. Pound with mallet to shouts of “drill baby drill!” and “remember the alamo!” Repeat until energy crisis is solved.

  2. collapse expand

    This is bad but what the terrorists did during katrina was worst. Check out Katrina Novel about this girl that claims hurricane katrina was a terrorist attack. Go to http://hurricanekatrinakaif.com

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    About Me

    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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