The BP Drinking Game
Memorial Day has passed, and if you’re like me, you’re already wondering when your next binge drinking opportunity might arise. Well, fear not, the time is upon us! Allow me to introduce the British Petroleum Drinking Game, the first contest to combine a horrible man-made disaster with the joys of mind-blowing intoxication. Well, maybe not the the first, but certainly the best.
Every time someone from BP says something you don’t believe, take a drink. That’s how it all started six weeks ago. But then, after it became clear that almost everything they said was crap, revisions were required. It’s not really a drinking “game” if you’re forced to chug a beer every thirty seconds then have to call an ambulance. So I decided to add a positive stipulation: Every time someone says something you do believe, take a jog around the block. Sound good? Well, after one week I had gone through three bottles of tequila and not left my apartment once. There was a brief moment where I ran in place, but that was just to make sure my heart hadn’t stopped. So I tinkered, and came up with this. Get some friends and some booze, because this disaster is just getting started…
The British Petroleum Drinking Game
-Whenever it sounds like BP’s solution to the leak will actually make the leak worse: 1 Drink
-”This is Obama’s Katrina” is said: 1 Drink
-James Carville looks like he’s about to say something insane, thinks better of it, then decides to say it anyway: 2 Drinks
-An obviously conservative news outlet pretends to care about the environment so they can stick it to Obama: 2 Drinks
-The word “probe” is used 5 times in one minute: 3 Drinks
-After a reporter shows the camera their oil slicked hand, they awkwardly wipe the mess off on the back of their suit: 3 Drinks
-A “relief well” is described in any way that can’t be immediately followed with “That’s what she said.”: 5 Drinks
-BP CEO Tony Hayward shows the smallest amount of genuine human compassion: 50 Drinks
But that’s not all, folks. Say you’re not a speed drinker. (Wuss.) Perhaps you’re more of a cocktail sipper? Well then please enjoy one of these fine disaster-themed beverage recipes. Because after something like this, what can you do really, other than get drunk?
1 part Jagermeister, 1 part chocolate liquor, 1 part Nyquil, coat rim with crude petroleum.
Gives the inside of your throat that irreplaceable “trapped in hazardous waste” feeling.
The Tony Hayward
1 part cheap British gin, 1 part grapefruit juice, a teaspoon of bitters, and 5 drops of Tabasco sauce. Garnish with a dead clam.
Tastes like actual stomach bile!
Containment Dome Buster
2 parts Whiskey, 1 Part Tequila, splash of Hydrochloric Acid.
Fill shot glass with liquor, then put on safety goggles. Drop a splash of hydrochloric acid in the glass, then cover with a paper cup, or “containment dome.” Within seconds, the acid will eat throw the cup and destroy the dome – just like in real life! Gulp and enjoy.
Top Kill Colada
Take one traditional Pina Colada and shoot mud into it at a high velocity. Hope for the best.