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May. 21 2010 - 8:58 am | 5,496 views | 1 recommendation | 17 comments

Bristol Palin’s $30,000 Speech: A Transcript

It was announced this week that Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, would soon be available for private speaking engagements, at a cost of $30,000 per event. Below is a leaked draft of her first speech.

“You take the good. You take the bad. You take them all and there ya have…the facts of life. The facts of life.” That’s what my mom told the day she found out I was pregnant, folks. And it was so true. Soooo true. From the day I was given the life seed from my boyfriend who’s now dead to me, to the the day I gave birth to young little Trippy – it’s all been a fact of life. I mean literally. You know?

(nod) (wink)

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Or at least, someone told me what you’re thinking right before I came on. You’re wondering what qualifies me to speak to you here today. Well let me tell you what, y’all. I have had a lot of experiences. I’ve had a baby. Do you know how many people have done that? Not a lot, y’all. And even more, I did it by accident. So, good luck finding someone else to talk about that. I know what it’s like to live the hard life, and most of all, I know about abstinence.

(do not wink! will be taken wrong!)

Abstinence is really, really important, y’all. Trust me. Because just when everything seems to be going right in your life, sex can really mess it up. Just when the world is starting to take notice of you, when opportunities are opening up left and right, when you’re regularly on stage in front of tens of thousands of enthusiastic conservatives…that’s when intercourse can really screw you.

(gauge playfulness of audience, then possibly wink)

All of sudden, when life is making you lemonade, sexual activity can give you a lemon. In your belly. Even if you hadn’t really done anything with the guy in like six months and that one time was only because his shirt was wet and your parents were out of town at the annual power of abstinence/big game hunt speaking weekend. Sex will get ya. And it’ll effect your whole family. Especially if one member of your family is seeking major political office and has based a good deal of her reputation on traditional family values and, you know, not doing it.

(look serious)

But Trip has been a blessing for me, make no mistake. I love him like a son. He’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Really, I couldn’t recommend motherhood enough. Except if it means breaking abstinence. Then I don’t recommend it. Because that is so obviously bad. So I guess what I’m saying is…not having sex is the key to life. I mean, not all life, obviously, just your life. For now. Or whatever.

In closing, I would like to leave you with something else my mom told me. “We got one last chance to make it real. To trade in these wings on some wheels. Climb in back, heaven’s waiting on down the tracks. Oh Thunder Road. Oh Thunder Road. Oh Oh Oh, Thunder Road.”

Goodnight. Please make the check out to “cash.” Thank you.


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  1. collapse expand

    717 views, no recommendations, no comments yet – I don’t hear much knee-slapping going on out there.

    How about picking on someone who is not 13 or 14 years younger than yourself – a large basis for the picking being her age at becoming a mother (something I realize Georgetown doesn’t condone at any age, so I can see where you get the starting material for your reviling and lampooning.) Look back into your own ancestry and see how many generations back it takes to find a great or great-great grandma who made your existence possible at a similar age. Now let’s have a laugh at her expense, too. Oh, but wait – it wasn’t so gauche a hundred or so years ago – granny didn’t have clinics and other ways to “take care of” problems, right?

    I guess your life is so much more sensible and well-thought-out than Bristol’s… You must feel just great about that.

    • collapse expand

      I do feel great, cp, I really do. I’ve been trying to have more fruits and vegetables lately. I think maybe that’s it?

      In response to another comment. See in context »
    • collapse expand

      Hello cphocker,

      Had Bristol Palin chosen to remain a private citizen, or was a minor, you might have had a point. However, the younger Ms. Palin is an adult and has chosen to step into the the public arena not only of her own free will but to both try to influence public policy and to earn a lot of money. She has crossed a threshold and is now subject to the same rules as everyone else in that arena.

      If you don’t want to get tackled, stay in the stands.

      In response to another comment. See in context »
    • collapse expand

      “granny didn’t have clinics and other ways to “take care of” problems, right”

      I am astounded at how many people believe that abortions began in the 1960s. Women have been having abortions for thousands of years. It’s nothing new buddy and I’ll bet a grandmother or two of yours had one.

      In response to another comment. See in context »
  2. collapse expand

    Alright, goddamit, I’ve tried to bite my tongue about this, but everyone insists on sticking up for these lunatic asshole cult members.

    “Lunatic cult members?! Where do you get off sayin’ somethin’ like that, buddy?” Well, as a matter of fact, I grew up with Sara Palin. Except of course she was Sara Heath and her old man was my sophomore geology teacher. My old man, may he rest in peace, built the house her family lived in. I went to the same church as she did, The Wasilla Assembly of God. Trust me, I know whereof I speak.
    Now some people may not view things like glossolalia and exorcism as cult activities, but in my book if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…
    I shouldn’t however be totally negative. If it weren’t for these god-fearing christians of humble faith, I wouldn’t be the apostate, heretic, and just all around master of evil that I am today.
    Speaking of which, I have to go smoke dope and masturbate to Bristol’s picture.

  3. collapse expand

    P.S. I was just kidding. I’m not gonna smoke any pot.

  4. collapse expand

    P.P.S. And in case I didn’t mention it, I thought it was funny.

  5. collapse expand

    The joke is definitely on whoever signs those checks.

    We used to make fun of those ‘Check into Cash’ payday loan places. We called it ‘Ass into Cash’, ya know, like prostitution. I feel like there’s a joke there with her.

    ‘Crash into Cash’ or ‘Trash into Cash’ starts the bidding…have an ‘accident’? Crash into Cash! Squabbles with your baby’s daddy? Trash into Cash!

  6. collapse expand

    I am actually dumber now having read that moronic drivel someone is actually willing to pay $30k for. I didn’t think it was possible but she is actually dumber than her mother.

    Not many people have had a baby? Really?

    She’s living the “hard life” supported by her mothers millions in hate speech? Wow, such an awful life.

    Sister, you cannot preach abstinence when you couldn’t even keep your legs closed long enough to make it out of high school. That’s equivalent to a Catholic priest telling people to not molest children.

    If folks are willing to pay $30k for such amazingly stupid speeches, I’d like to put myself out there right now and say I’ll do it for $15k. I’ll even throw in a promise *not* to say “y’all”, “life seed” and or wink.

    I think I’ll go watch Sesame Street now as that is a far more intelligent way to spend my time than listening to this girl.

  7. collapse expand

    If I were so inclined, I could ask for $100,000 per speech. But for the sake of everybody but myself, I would hope nobody would be idiotic enough to actually hire me for that price.

    The tendency to hire “big-name” speakers for any price more than $5000 per event has always baffled me, and probably always will.

  8. collapse expand

    I, for one, appreciate the sarcasm. And the Palins are such an easy target. The scary part is that things have gotten so overboard with Palin and Palin family worship, that sometimes you can’t tell sarcasm from the truth.

  9. collapse expand

    I got that it was a joke, especially with this gem:

    “But Trip has been a blessing for me, make no mistake. I love him like a son.”

    but almost thought otherwise with

    “And it’ll effect your whole family.”

    please look up affect and effect…

  10. collapse expand

    I’m not at all surprised that this passes for incisive political satire. We have become a dour, indolent people.

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    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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