Bristol Palin’s $30,000 Speech: A Transcript
It was announced this week that Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, would soon be available for private speaking engagements, at a cost of $30,000 per event. Below is a leaked draft of her first speech.
“You take the good. You take the bad. You take them all and there ya have…the facts of life. The facts of life.” That’s what my mom told the day she found out I was pregnant, folks. And it was so true. Soooo true. From the day I was given the life seed from my boyfriend who’s now dead to me, to the the day I gave birth to young little Trippy – it’s all been a fact of life. I mean literally. You know?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Or at least, someone told me what you’re thinking right before I came on. You’re wondering what qualifies me to speak to you here today. Well let me tell you what, y’all. I have had a lot of experiences. I’ve had a baby. Do you know how many people have done that? Not a lot, y’all. And even more, I did it by accident. So, good luck finding someone else to talk about that. I know what it’s like to live the hard life, and most of all, I know about abstinence.
(do not wink! will be taken wrong!)
Abstinence is really, really important, y’all. Trust me. Because just when everything seems to be going right in your life, sex can really mess it up. Just when the world is starting to take notice of you, when opportunities are opening up left and right, when you’re regularly on stage in front of tens of thousands of enthusiastic conservatives…that’s when intercourse can really screw you.
(gauge playfulness of audience, then possibly wink)
All of sudden, when life is making you lemonade, sexual activity can give you a lemon. In your belly. Even if you hadn’t really done anything with the guy in like six months and that one time was only because his shirt was wet and your parents were out of town at the annual power of abstinence/big game hunt speaking weekend. Sex will get ya. And it’ll effect your whole family. Especially if one member of your family is seeking major political office and has based a good deal of her reputation on traditional family values and, you know, not doing it.
But Trip has been a blessing for me, make no mistake. I love him like a son. He’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Really, I couldn’t recommend motherhood enough. Except if it means breaking abstinence. Then I don’t recommend it. Because that is so obviously bad. So I guess what I’m saying is…not having sex is the key to life. I mean, not all life, obviously, just your life. For now. Or whatever.
In closing, I would like to leave you with something else my mom told me. “We got one last chance to make it real. To trade in these wings on some wheels. Climb in back, heaven’s waiting on down the tracks. Oh Thunder Road. Oh Thunder Road. Oh Oh Oh, Thunder Road.”
Goodnight. Please make the check out to “cash.” Thank you.