Jennifer Aniston goes to the grocery store…

Jennifer Aniston has been put on a baby food diet by celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson so she’ll be “in shape” for her next movie. She is allowed 14 servings of baby food a day, followed by a healthy dinner. This is her story…

OK, Jen, three quick breathes and then we’re going in. The food is inside the grocery store and in order to get it I’m gonna have to go in…but there’s all the other food in there. All the really good food. Like bread. And cheese. And peanuts. Peanuts! I swear to God I’d stab my mother in the heart for a salted peanut right now. Wait! Peanut butter! I bet I can have peanut butter. That’s pureed, right? It’s the same basic consistency as baby food. That’s gotta count. You’re telling me if I put a jar of peanut butter in front of a baby he wouldn’t eat it? No way. That means it’s baby food. I’m buying peanut butter. Let me just check the list and see if I’m allowed to ea– nope. Not on the list. Wow, I think might actually start to cry. God that list is short! Alright, come on, Jen, time to the enter the grocery store. People are starting to stare. More than they usually do. You kissed Vince Vaughn for crying out loud, you can make inside a grocer– Oh God, the door’s opening on its own. What do I do? Run!…

The nice thing about only being allowed to eat baby food is that it really cuts down on your shopping time. One aisle, I can be in and out in 10 minutes. Heck, it’s a quarter of an aisle. So I’m saving time. That’s good. Remember that as a positive next time we drive by Tracy’s house late at night. I think she saw me last time. I gotta stop doing that. But I also gotta buy a more discreet flame thrower. Because that bitch is gonna burn for this baby food bullshit. Whoa, OK, I just saw myself in a mirror. I look fantastic! I mean really really fantastic. I’m Jennifer Aniston, for God sakes! I’m more attractive than like, everyone, basically. Why do I have to eat baby food? I’m a grown, beautiful, rich, successful woman. I was on Friends! I’m a Friend. Why can’t I have normal food? I used to date Brad Pitt for crying out loud! Brad Pitt! Oh, yeah, Brad. And Angelina. Damn it. Let’s go get some pureed carrots…

…You know what happens when you put this much baby food in your cart? People think you’re having a baby. They come up to you and say, “Oh, you’re finally pregnant! Good for you! I knew it would happen!” And then you have to say, “No, actually all this baby food is for me. I’m not having a kid. Still. Just trying a new diet that this horrible See-You-Next-Tuesday of a woman Tracy Anderson put me on.” Or you could just lie. You could just say, “yes, I’m having a baby. Thank you so much.” Then you could smile and keep walking. I gotta stop doing that…

…My God there are a lot of kinds of ice cream. That one has pieces of Snickers in it! I wouldn’t even have to eat it. If I could just…just…open the container, spoon out the ice cream, and rub it all over my naked body…that would be enough. I’m not checking the list. I know Snickers ice cream is not the list. I hate the list…

See you in hell.

…”Healthy dinner” sounds nice. That’s why I agreed to do this in the first place. I thought, “OK, 14 jars of baby food will be awful, but at the end of the day I can have a nice healthy dinner. That’ll be nice. I can do that.” Then I found out what a health dinner was. A piece of fish, a squirt of lemon, and some brown rice. Yippee. For most people, that’s the diet. Fish and whole grains. For me, that’s the splurge. That’s the little treat at the end of my day. Some friggin’ tilapia and a spoonful of rice. Do you realize I just spent the last six hours eating liquefied peas and banana?! I haven’t had a solid bowel movement in thirteen days! Could I please have a piece of meat? Oh God, my hands are starting to bleed. I’m gripping the cart too hard. These little glass jars sure make a lot of noise…

…There they are. A beautiful row of candy bars. Look at them. So perfect, all in their nice little wrappers. Wait?! What are my hands doing? They’re reaching out for the Almond Joy’s! Stop! Hands! I order you to stop. Do not pick up that candy bar! No. NO. Do not put it in my pocket. No. NO BABY RUTH! Stop filling up my pockets with candy bars, hands. This is gonna end up on TMZ! I’m Jennifer Aniston. Screw it, let’s just run. WE have the candy, now go!!! Run like the wind, Jennifer! Leave this terrible store and never look back! I’m gonna eat a Charletston Chew, sweet God in heaven a Charleston Chew!!! Kiss my butt, Tracy Anderson!!!

for more in our award-winning series, check out Brett Favre Goes to the Grocery store.