Fuck You, Iceland
The ash coming from Iceland’s mountain Eyjaffjalljokull has led to so many canceled flights that it’s cost the world’s airlines about $1.7 billion. Not cool, Iceland, not cool. The airline industry already lost $9.2 billion last year, and was hoping to only drop $2.2 in 2010, until Iceland let its little ash problem get all out of control. Thanks a lot, country – it’s not like we really needed airplanes or anything. Hey, you could always pay everyone back, as long as there’s an unforeseen explosion in the sardine export industry. Like a passenger sleeping on a cheap airport carpet, I’ve been getting pissed. Then I did a little research, and it turns out Iceland has been a pain in the ass for years. Check this out…
Did you know drinking beer was illegal in Iceland until 1989? Apparently they were concerned it would lead to people getting too drunk. Yeah, that’s kinda the point, Iceland. The rest of the world can handle the responsibility of a few oat sodas, why can’t you? I mean, what exactly would be the repercussions if everyone in Iceland got loaded all at once? A few fish nets would go unchecked? Someone would crank the Sigur Ros a bit too high? Come on. This is such typical Iceland. One of your volcanoes just oozed ash for a week straight and you were powerless to stop it, so let’s not get too high an opinion of your sober faculties, guys. You blew it, now go grab a Coors Light like the rest of the world.
Here’s something else annoying: Iceland’s phone book is organized by first name. Yeah, seriously. So if you want to look up your buddy Jon Orgensborg, don’t think you’re getting off easy by jumping right to the Orgens. Nope, you’re wading through hundreds of Jon’s. And, let’s be honest, reconsidering your whole friendship with the guy to begin with. Apparently this has some cultural derivation that does in fact make sense, but it’s also ridiculously impractical. Admit it, you’re annoyed.
There’s so many others – there’s no strip clubs in Iceland. They believe in elves. They kicked out McDonalds. They’re freakishly and disproportionately attractive as a people. But if there’s one thing that really gets my goat it’s that Iceland has 13 Santa Clauses. That’s right, 13! They call them “Yule Lads”, and they apparently have a mischievous bent, but still – isn’t 13 gift bearers gilding the lily a little bit? I mean, there’s only like 350,000 people in Iceland, couldn’t one or two Santas cover that? That’s less than 30K per Chris Cringle. Do you realize this means one in every 27000 people in Iceland is a Santa Claus! No wonder no one was paying attention to Eyjaffjalljokull. Everywhere you look there’s a fat guy in a red hat. Maybe if you didn’t have all those Santas flying around, you could’ve kept better track of your friggin mountains! They’re filled with blinding ash, you know! Like I said, typical Iceland.
Uch. I’m fed up. Say it with me, everybody…Screw you, Iceland. And screw you, Mount Eyjaffjalljokull.
(You made it unpronounceable on purpose, didn’t you? Jerks…)