Is there anything America won’t put bacon on?

Seriously country, what’s the deal with bacon? Sure we love the way it tastes, but our obsession with these salty pig slices goes far deeper than flavor. Because let’s be honest, a lot of things taste just as good as bacon. When’s the last time you had a jelly donut? Those things are friggin’ incredible. Or french fries? There’s no way you’re convincing me that a piece of bacon is better than a basket of hand-cut lightly salted french-fried potatoes. It’s not possible. So how has bacon risen to level of kitsch, of Americana, of national phenomenon?

For my recent birthday, someone gave me a box of bacon band-aids. They’re band-aids that look like little slices of bacon. Over the course of my life I’ve received three or four boxes of bacon band-aids, and I’m not sure why. I’m not a big bacon guy – it’s not one of the distinguishing characteristics of my personality or anything. So it seems to me that this is just a gift people give. We all love bacon and we all find it charming and we all occasionally get scrapes on our arms so here are some bacon bandaids. I was baffled, so I took to the Internet and realized bandaids were just the tip of the iceberg. Check this out.

Bacon Air Freshener: For when you get into your car and think, “you know, I really wish it smelled like the inside of a dead pig in here.”

Bacon Underpants: During intimate moments I often like to lean over and whisper in my lady’s ear, “I love you. But not as much as I love bacon.” Really puts her in her place. Now I can just let my underwear speak for itself.

Bacon Dental Floss: Because your mouth isn’t really clean until it’s cleaned with pork.

Bacon Lip Balm: I find it difficult to restrict my bacon consumption to just mealtimes. Society frowns upon me taping two pieces of crisp bacon to my lips, so J&D’s Bacon Lip Balm has been a great alternative. Now I can satisfy my bacon jones all day long. Thanks, J&D!

This is ridiculous, right? Certainly these items are made with tongue somewhat implanted in cheek, but still, they exist. And no one’s making any jokey Breakfast Sausage Lip Balm or Corned Beef Hash Boxer Briefs, so it’s clear that bacon has obtained some special status.  Why? I think it’s an act of defiance. There’s a little Liz Lemon in all of us, a secret glutton that loves sitting around in our cupcake PJ’s and shoveling down meatball sandwiches with extra bread. And bacon, more than any other food, taps into that. It’s smelly, it’s greasy, and it’s terribly unhealthy. In an era of calorie counting and gym devotion, embracing bacon is a form of protest. Even if it’s just as you’re flossing your teeth.

My last thought: how strong a force could bacon be if it was ever properly maintained? Could a political candidate win over America’s fancy if he declared his admiration for the national meat? If Barack Obama had promised a fresh stack of bacon to every congressman who supported healthcare, would we have had it long ago? You tell me…