Feb. 5 2010 - 8:55 am | 382 views | 3 recommendations | 3 comments

The Worst Twitterers in Sports

By BRIAN DONOVAN

sports_twitter You remember what the athletes were like in high school, right? In great shape, really good at sports, did very well with the ladies, but not exactly the most eloquent communicators you’ve ever come across. It’s not that the jocks at my high school were dumb necessarily, it’s just that if I was looking for an interesting exchange of ideas I probably wasn’t gonna choose the guy who was writing his physics notes on a balled up piece of hockey tape. In fact, one of them invented a game where if he got you to say the word “what”, he would yell “PRIIIICK” at the top of his lungs and double over in laughter.

Clearly not a real athlete

Now imagine that these jocks we all knew grew up and became very successful athletes, getting paid untold fortunes for their sporting abilities. It didn’t really matter that they weren’t geniuses, their main responsibilities were throwing a ball through a metal ring or running around a large circle. But then a funny thing happened – Twitter was invented. Suddenly these athletes had a forum to express themselves, and it was impossible for agents or generously editing sports columnists to protect them. If Mr. Priiiick had had the ability to fire 140 character musings out into the world, I’m sure it would have been a rhetorical nightmare. So why should it be any different today? Athletes were never expected to be interesting or even capable talkers before, but Twitter has given them new access, and unfortunately, new responsibility. Some are not living up to the charge.

To be fair, there are players who really know how to Tweet. Gilbert Arenas was a laugh a minute until someone had the good sense to shut him down. Chad Johnson (@OGOchoCinco) is fairly entertaining. But most, sadly, are not. And I just want to say, I’m cool with that. Who said athletes had to be good at tweeting? I’m a good tweeter (you don’t follow me? that’s crazy! @b_donovan), but I write for a living. If people had to pay money to watch me shoot a jumpshot, there’d be a riot. Stick with what you’re good at, I say. Anyway, here are the worst sports Twitterers in business today…

1. Shaquille O’Neal (@THE-REAL_SHAQ): At some point, Shaq was officially declared a “hilarious sports personality”. I have no idea why. He certainly talks a lot, and says a lot of things that are theoretically wacky, but a gifted entertainer he is not. I mean, this is the star of Kazaam, after all. Shaq twitters more or less constantly, and almost none of it is interesting. But clearly Shaq is a big fan of himself, so it’s likely to continue. Here are a few classics:

The movie daybreakers is the ssssshhhhhh, I’m puttin it next to lost boys as top vampire movies of all time, I’m a vampire I know 8:32 PM Jan 12th from TweetGenius

Really Shaq? You’re a vampire?! That’s hilari—-zzzzzzz. Oh sorry. I fell asleep.

Your momma got so much hair on her back that if we braided it, she would have thug back 6:38 PM Dec 14th, 2009 from TweetGenius

Seems not funny, but admittedly, I have no idea what it means. Anyway, you get the gist. Shaq tweets like he shoots free throws.

affeldt 2. Jeremy Affeldt; Pitcher, San Francisco Giants. (@jeremyaffeldt): Jeremy is an interesting variation on the jock Twitter phenomenon. He doesn’t post his personal musings, just the inspirational quotes of others.

True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us. Socrates 10:15 PM Jan 31st from web

Wow, that’s pretty deep. You play baseball right?

Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing. Abraham Lincoln 10:34 PM Dec 28th, 2009 from web

OK…thanks, Jeremy. Could you tell me something about the game last night? How did you feel about your fastball?

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. – Kahlil Gibran 2:15 AM Nov 13th, 2009 from web

Alright, forget it. Didn’t realize I was talking to a quote-a-day calendar.

Gammons 3. Peter Gammons (@pgammo): Peter Gammons isn’t an athlete, he’s actually a sportswriter. And very possibly the best and most influential in the history of baseball. The guy was recently inducted into the Hall of Fame, and is a legitimate personal hero. But man, is he bad at Tweeting. In print, Gammons is an unparalleled analytical mind. In Tweet, he sounds like a crazy person.

Yeah, blow $ in Vegas, then complain about taxes, the poor, education…the city has the societal worth of Paris Hilton and Chad Johnson 5:38 PM Feb 3rd from web

Huh? Alright, I guess Vegas is kinda trashy…

Lesson:all health care is local 8:39 AM Jan 19th from mobile web

Sure. (Awkwardly nodding while looking around to see if anyone is getting scared.)

A merry Christmas is those who abuse power, riches, glory and fame focusing on the helpless, cold, hungry, oppressed, sick, aged, unloved… 9:17 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from web

Well, this got weird. Let me know if you hear about any cool trades!

oden 4. Greg Oden; Center, Portland Trailblazers (@Odenized): Oden actually rarely updates his Twitter, but he did recently make news when naked cellphone pics he sent to a girlfriend got leaked on the Internet. So that’s gotta count for something. Anyone with that little tech-savvy is bound to send some dumb Tweets sooner or later.

5. Shelden Williams; Forward, Boston Celtics. (@SheldenWilliams): Shelden Williams rarely plays, but when he does, his game is simple. Defense, rebounds, the occasional shot. You could go so far as to say his game is boring. That description would also apply to his Tweets.

well yall i m going to watch my bedtime story haha which is nick at night!!!! good night yall!!!!!! about 19 hours ago from web

You don’t have to tell us about everything that happens you know, Sheldon. And maybe take it easy on the exclamation points? They’re for actual exclamations.