The Five Worst Gift Ideas for Christmas
Let’s be honest, Christmas gift giving isn’t so much about what to give, but rather what not to give. Under any circumstances. A good gift is easily lost amidst the holiday hoopla, but a terrible gift – that stays with you forever. As evidence, I present a recent girlfriend. I was quite keen on her, so I wanted to get something particularly special. She had been complaining about stress and body aches, so I did several hours of Google searching and surreptitious question asking and discovered the name of her old masseuse, the one she hadn’t been able to afford since losing her job. I got her a series of sessions, specifically designed to relieve stress, and priced through the roof. She got me…a Milwaukee Brewers t-shirt. I don’t like the Milwaukee Brewers. Never have, never will. I grew up in Boston, and love the Boston Red Sox. In fact, I’d go so far as to say my love of the Boston Red Sox is one of my five most distinguishing characteristics. She thought it was the Brewers. It’s an understandable mistake, I mean, they both have…B’s and r’s…somewhere in their names. Point is, she smiled at the spa certificate, gave me a kiss and said I was “sweet”. But the Brewers t-shirt, I’m still mulling that baby over. I mean that was a crappy gift. We broke up shortly after, and I won’t say it was absolutely not the reason. I’m still pissed (obviously), and I still think about it every year. The bad gifts stay with you my friends, the good ones are gone faster than that first cup of nog.
With that, here’s a list of the five worst gifts available this Christmas. Buy them one of these and you’ll never live it down.
5. 
A Rose By Any Other Name, Elephant Poo Paper Roses; Uncommon Goods.com $15-$48
Roses on their own are a fairly unimaginative Christmas gift. But these aren’t just roses, they’re roses made out of paper. Paper that is made from recycled elephant crap. Yep, that’s a thing. Stinky poop that for some reason someone decided to make into a weird looking flower and now wants to send you in exchange for actual US currency. That might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Give these if you’re looking for the perfect way to say, “I wanted to punch you in the face, but I didn’t want to hurt my hand.”
4.
HoundAbout Pet Stroller; Solvit $227
It’s a good thing they make strollers for dogs because dogs are babies, right? Sadly, you probably know someone who treats their pet like a human toddler, but that still doesn’t make this gift any less insane. The main benefit of taking a dog for a walk is that he actually walks, right? It’s not called taking your dog for a lie down. So why would anyone ever buy this? I guess a pet stroller makes sense if you know someone who has a dog with no legs, but I think a better gift for them might be a new dog.
3. 
Wipe N Clear Eyeglass Cleaning Solution; Flents $2.99
I know what you’re thinking. “No one would ever give someone eyeglass cleaner for Christmas.” Not true. Last year, my Dad got an extra large bottle of Flents in a package that was labeled “From Santa.” After lengthy interrogation, no one would cop to buying it. Finally my Dad admitted to getting it for himself and then wrapping it up in a Christmas Eve frenzy. He was actually quite pleased with the gift, but don’t get any ideas. Christmas gifts don’t come from the local drug store – that’s Hanukkah you’re thinking of.
2. The Owl Pellet; Urban Outfitters, $8
From the product description: “Great hands-on science. Dissect this sanitary owl pellet which contains the skeletal remains of an owl meal. Learn about the owl’s habitat, place in the food chain, and predatory skills.”
Nice try, Urban Outfitters. This is a ball of owl puke, and no fancy copywriting tricks are gonna change that. I suppose it does have scientific uses, but come on. It’s the day Jesus was born, are you really gonna celebrate by giving someone a ball of mouse remains that some bird just coughed up? I hope not.
1. Star Wars Force Trainer; Uncle Milton $130
Here it is gang, the worst gift currently on the market…The Star Wars Force Trainer. Just slip on the headset and direct your mind towards the large plastic tower to practice making the ball move up and down with your keen Jedi Force abilities. Which would be really cool if THE FORCE ACTUALLY EXISTED. But it doesn’t, because it’s, you know, a fictional creation from a science fiction movie. So instead you’re training yourself to put on a meaningless piece of plastic and stare at another meaningless piece of plastic while all your friends are outside getting a life. The device claims to accurately measure “electronic brainwaves”, but really it’s just evaluating your ability to believe in complete B-S. Which, if you buy it, it will be clear that you do.
And there it is. I feel confident that if you avoid all of these gifts you just may have the best Christmas yet. And if you’re now plum out of ideas, well I guess you could always go with a Brewers t-shirt.
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Wow. These are really bad.
After my father had heart surgery (he recovered, thankfully) my mother gave my brother a stocking full of the unused hospital goodies—shampoo, deodorant, soap, shower cap. My brother was not amused.
Wow, Jen, that’s outstanding. Was it meant as a joke? I hope so.
In response to another comment. See in context »Let’s call it a joke. Otherwise I won’t get anything for Christmas.
In response to another comment. See in context »So what are you hoping for this Christmas? A sock that doesn’t have a hole in it? Or do you now pre-screen your girlfriends based on their gift-giving. It would make a great comedy routine.
Dawn – i have one great wish for Xmas, and that’s a Kindle. But that’s clearly too high a ceiling for a girlfriend gift. In that realm, I would be perfectly delighted with a nice old-school mix CD of cool new bands. Or not that cool. Or frankly, a girlfriend to begin with.
In response to another comment. See in context »I’ll get you the ziploc bag Jeff Bezos suggests using when you read your Kindle in the bathtub.
In response to another comment. See in context »Seriously, you’re welcome.
you will first need to give me a bathtub. Thank you.
In response to another comment. See in context »I’m almost certain you’re including “Star Wars Force Trainer” in this list in an attempt to temper demand so *you* can get your hands on one of these puppies.
C’mon – you can admit it.
Wait, Steve, are you not getting T/S shwag? I’ve already been sent ten of these things by the Star Wars people just to get to mention it. They say I’m like Oprah’s Favorite Things. When I mention something, even negatively, people buy it.
In response to another comment. See in context »I think it’s tough to beat my father on this one. He once gave my mother a wire mesh “grease spatter cover” for Christmas. He saw it advertised on TV.
Apparently the perfume and jewelry ads didn’t register, but the grease spatter cover did. Practical–yet sentimental.
Nothing says “I Love You” like stain protection.
In response to another comment. See in context »