Tiger Woods: Great at Golf, Terrible at Adultery

You know Tiger Woods has earned every one of his amazing golf scores, because the guy can’t cheat to save his life. A lot of people fudge their golf games – a stroke forgotten here, a ball kicked into a more promising lie there – but not Tiger. If he nudged a ball a few inches out of the rough, he’d call his buddy after and explain exactly what he’d done in a lengthy and time-stamped voice mail. Then he’d probably shoot of a few detail-laden text messages for good measure. If there was a Masters for adultery, Tiger would most certainly not be a four time champion. Heck, he couldn’t even win a game of mini-golf.

Here are his transgressions:

1) The Voice Mail.

Really dude? REALLY? Would you use a putter to hit a 300 yard drive down the fairway? No you wouldn’t. So why in God’s name are you calling your mistress and leaving a permanent and wildly incriminating message on her telephone? You think she’s just deleting that thing out of the goodness of her heart? Sorry Tiger, she’s a mistress, and mistresses aren’t real big on throwing away damning evidence of their affairs with their multi-millionaire boyfriends. And what’s this “take your name off your phone” scheme you’re suggesting? You think your wife’s gonna be tricked by that one? Seriously, your caddy could come up with a better plan than that.

2) Text Messages.

See “Voice Mail” discussion above. You just shanked one into the woods, buddy boy. Also, “I will wear you out soon”? Gross. I know you’re having an affair, but that’s no reason to be uncouth.

3. Terrible Confidant Selection.

Picking the right friend to confide in is a lot like selecting the right club for a shot. And whoever this guy is, well, it’s like you pulled an umbrella out of your golf bag and waltzed confidently to the tee. Within 72 hours this guy told TMZ that you said you needed a “Kobe Special” ring to make it up to your wife, and that you admitted to her scratching up your face. This person is not your friend. Bad job. For adultery confessions you gotta look for a kinda shady guy, ideally someone who’s cheated himself, so you know you’ll have a sympathetic ear. You couldn’t have done any worse here if your buddy actually worked at TMZ. Wait…your buddy doesn’t work at TMZ, does he? Does he?!

Rejoice, men of the world, as there is now one thing we are all decidedly better at than Tiger Woods. He might be the best golfer ever, but when it comes to fooling around behind the old lady’s back, WE are the true champions.