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Nov. 24 2009 - 12:42 pm | 303 views | 0 recommendations | 5 comments

Brett Favre is the MVP

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Forget the world exploding in 2012. We’re not gonna last that long. When ESPN reports that Brett Favre is the MVP on January 2nd, 2010 you better be packed for the ark boats, because shit is gonna get crazy.

Brett Favre is the story we all love to hate. He’s annoying, he’s repetitive, and this year he’s very very good. He’s the Lady GaGa of the NFL – you wish to hell that he would just go away, but damn it if “Just Dance” isn’t a catchy little tune. Countless sports reporters have sworn off Big Brett, saying they won’t fall under his media trance ever again. Big time national guys, Mike Francesa, Peter King, Jay Glazer, they’ve all expressed their disgust with him at one point or another. Francesa, the host of New York’s “Mike’d Up”, has recently taken to hanging up on callers the moment they mention Brett’s name. So what are they gonna do when #4 becomes the #1 story of the day/week/century? I’m not sure, but here’s my best guess…

The shocking truth is the Brett Favre deserves to win the MVP. As Sports Illustrated’s Peter King points out, The Gunslinger (yes, it physically hurts to type those words) is playing better now than he did when he last won the award.

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So yeah, he’s greater at 40 years-old than he was at 26. He’s like the anti-Meg Ryan. And, unlike most players, it’s very easy to determine his value. It is the Most Valuable Player award after all, as sports talkshow hosts love to remind us. The award isn’t just for the league’s best player, but rather the one that meant the most to their team’s success. Last year, without Favre, the Vikings won 1o games and the 12th ranked offense. This year, with him, they’ve already won 9 and are ranked 2nd in points scored. That’s a lot of value, I’d say. There’s a chance that voters go for Peyton Manning, who’s also having one of his best seasons, but I have a feeling the Brett Favre story is going to be too good/horrifying to resist.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls Bristol, it tolls for thee.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls Bristol, it tolls for thee.

So how’s it gonna go down? Well, as news of the award begins to break, rioting will break out in the streets of Bristol.  John Cusack will be racing to pick up his family in the limousine as the panic spreads. Sports anchors everywhere will fall into seizures as their competing desires to both adulate and decry Favre will throw their bodies into panic. Kids, who have often heard that Brett Favre “plays just like them!”, will be simultaneously overjoyed and repentant, and ultimately will ask for a reduction in their allowances out of guilt. John Madden, the last unabashed Favre devotee, will rush into his bunker and begin nervously eating. Or rather, continue the nervous eating he’s been doing for the last 30 years. And Brett Favre…what will he do? Well of course he’ll retire, but not before sending the MVP trophy back to the league offices, saying he doesn’t deserve it. He’s just that swell a guy. Sadly though, like most things Brett delivers, the trophy will be intercepted en route and returned for a touchdown, putting the perfect exclamation point on The Gunslinger’s noble career. And we’ll all laugh as we knew it was the way it always had to be.

The end.


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  1. collapse expand

    “Sadly though, like most things Brett delivers, the trophy will be intercepted en route and returned for a touchdown, putting the perfect exclamation point on The Gunslingers noble career.”

    Awesome.

    I haven’t been watching his games. (A great intro for a post, I know) Is he actually playing well, or is the offense just that good? Matt Cassel put up some juicy number over ten games last year too, and it may not have been the hall-of-famer in him.

  2. collapse expand

    Well, it’s a little of column A and a little column B. He’s playing well, he’s far less reckless than he’s been in years, but Adrian Peterson makes a huge difference. And he’s got some excellent receivers. Percy Harvin chief among them – who the Patriots tried hard to trade up and grab in this year’s draft…

  3. collapse expand

    As someone who bleeds Green & Gold (as a toddler, the sight of #5 rounding the corner on a Lombardi sweep could make me weep with excitement) I haven’t been following the Favre vs. Thompson story, so much as it’s been following me- in Packer Nation there’s no escaping it. As much as I love #4 (flagged & fined for a chop block-in his 19th season!- ya gotta love the guy), I have to disagree with your thesis a bit. If Brett were still with the Pack, he’d be having a rotten year. The current Packer O-line is so lousy that a much younger & more moblie QB leads the league in sacks. Ryan Grant is a fine RB, but he’s simply no Adrian Peterson, good enough to stop a blitz just by being on the field. Aaron Rogers is pretty much matching #4’s Minnesota numbers, something I doubt #4 could do in Rogers’ position. By the way, has Brett made it through the season intact, yet? He sure didn’t last year.

    Anyhow, Drew Brees is this year’s MVP. Selecting Brett would be just a sentimental abomination.

    (& yes, I’ll forgive him his apostasy the minute he takes off the Purple Jersey, but not before.)

  4. collapse expand

    [...] still nearly a third of the season yet to be played, but the talk has already turned to who’s the league’s most valuable player, and who’s the defensive player of the [...]

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Twitter: @b_donovan

I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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