Give the Gift of Crap: Omaha Steaks
It seems like a good idea, right? Your kids live in the city and don’t have a lot of time for a great home-cooked meal. You know they love a good steak, but they’d never think to buy one and cook it up themselves. Suddenly, like manna from heaven, you’re emailed a page that looks a lot like this…
And you think to yourself, “Who’s gonna be the hero this Christmas? Me and also Me.” You order big and wait for the accolades to come in. You poor, poor bastard.
You wanna put this guy in charge of dinner?
They taste like shit, ladies and gentlemen. Actually no, I can do better. They taste like shit that somebody froze, vacuum sealed, then shipped to you in a styrofoam box. Think about it, if you sat down for lunch and a friend said “you gotta try this sandwich someone just sent me in the mail”, what would you do? You’d look at them like they were crazy, throw the sandwich in the garbage, and open a bag of chips. So why do we think it’s OK for steaks? They’re STEAKS for crying out loud. They’re a quality food item. If they were supposed to be sent in the mail, they’d sell them at the post office. Omaha Steaks are the scourge of young adults everywhere, and it’s about time one of us had the courage to stand up and speak out. This is my story…
I’ve had four Omaha steaks sitting in my freezer for at least five years. Initially, there were twelve. I ate one of them days after Christmas, excited for the high class meal I was about to enjoy. I was a little put off by the color, which was equal parts scarlet red and blackboard green, but this was a steak. From Omaha, no less! How could it go wrong? Well, it did. Big time. As did the next three I tried to eat in the subsequent weeks. I never knew “soggy” was a quality that meat could really obtain. But thanks Omaha, for teaching me that lesson.
Beaver tail or Omaha steak? Hard to say...
Over the subsequent months I was faced with a terrible dilemma: “what do I do with all of these horrible frozen steaks”. They take up a lot of room, and small city apartments often come with small city refrigerators. Could I use them as doorstops? How about holiday tree trimming? Trips to the grocery store became endless bouts of Sophie’s Choice. Do I buy the chicken breasts that I really want, knowing that it will require me throw out a “perfectly good” steak to make room in the freezer? It was a harrowing ordeal. The guilt, the indecision…it’s all part of the Omaha steak experience. I started throwing away meat, dear reader, and once you start, it’s so terribly hard to stop. I started to look forward to throwing them out, cackling with glee each time I heard the rock hard protein brick hit the bottom of the garbage. It was the highlight of my day, knowing that no matter what else went wrong I could send a piece of terrible steak to meet its maker at dinner. It was freeing I tell you, and word started to spread.
I’ve learned recently that I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with the holiday meats. At parties I’ll notice the Omahas stuffed in the bottom of a friend’s freezer, and they’ll pull me aside for their whispered confession: “I fucking hate these stupid mail-order steaks.” I’ll pat them on the back, hold them while they cry, then toss the meat into the garbage. “It’s OK,” I’ll say, “that’s where they belong.” And then I promise that things will change. So that is why I am writing today. Parents, please hear this. We know you mean well and just want you children to be happy. You want us to eat well and be merry, but believe me, Omaha steaks is not the answer. Nor is, heaven forbid, Omaha “stuffed sole with scallops and crab.” We just can’t take it anymore. Instead, how about you just get us a Kindle and we call it a day?
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I’ve gotten Omaha Steaks plenty of times. They don’t taste like shit. I actually like them! They’re better than ramen, campus food and campbell’s soup. I don’t like them enough to buy them, but if they arrive in the mail I will eat them.
Oh, and the stuffed sole with scallops is my favorite. Really.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by brian donovan, Tweets Tube. Tweets Tube said: Give the Gift of Crap: Omaha Steaks http://bit.ly/AxWCP [...]
Brian, your post is shocking. Not because of the commentary on Omaha Steaks but if chicken breasts cannot fit in your freezer without displacing some steaks, my friend, you need to move out of that city apartment ASAP. Please post a photo of said lilliputian fridge/freezer.
I hate to think of what happens when you buy both milk AND orange juice.
Ha, actually Hilary our fridge is quite state of the art. The problem is the freezer is already desperately full of all sorts of odd things I have purchased. I go to Trader Joe’s too often. So discretionary meat room is at a minimum.
In response to another comment. See in context »Until the fine folks at White Castle wise-up and start selling those online, Omaha Steaks is going to be a fallback gift option.
Say, maybe the postal service should get into the slider distribution business …
You can already buy frozen white castle burger at your local grocer or bodaga.
In response to another comment. See in context »Your wish is my command, Offendi:
http://www.samsclub.com/shopping/navigate.do?dest=5&item=196025
In response to another comment. See in context »Steve and Fruzsina, I am alarmed by your responses. I think it’s necessary for us to all go out for a complete steak dinner to compare and contrast. True/Slant will pick up the tab I’m sure.
Actually, long ago Lewis set up a budget line item for a steer. Mike Hess will do the honors if we can just get the damn thing into our building’s tiny elevators.
In response to another comment. See in context »Couldn’t you have cropped that beaver photo…just a little…you know…along the top?
At least he didn’t shave the beaver before posting it’s pic.
In response to another comment. See in context »http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbVgvBFj8YE
(don’t worry, SFW)
In response to another comment. See in context »I’m a fan of only using the freezer for
Ice Cream or Ice.
I can go to my local Butcher and purchase fresh cuts of Meat,Pork or Chicken. Go to the local market for fresh Produce, and yes, I do love the Trader Joe Chocolate Croissants,and maybe they last in there a few days, but to buy fresh Chicken only to throw it in the Freezer? wtf!
Your Blog has hit a Google algorithm or something cause on the “Ad’s by Google at the bottom here its all Steak ads HA!
ha, love the steak adverts! If only an Omaha ad would pop up – life would be complete.
In response to another comment. See in context »Heh heh heh. I remember when Cooks Illustrated did a steak review and Omaha didn’t do all that well. When I’m in a beefy mood, I hit Costco for one of those wet-vacced beef tenderloins (or a chuck to be converted into ground beef–no e Coli for me!)
I will take issue with the idea of mail ordered food being bad per se. I love to make sushi at home and after making some great salmon carpaccio and an unpleasant encounter some months later with the ensuing tapeworm, I’m very cautious about sourcing my raw fish. I found a Catalina-based place that ships great quality seafood.
BB
Mailorder is the only place I can find nice flavored gouda cheese around here
Incidentally, last time I was in NYC Murry’s had a nice shiny new place but a far crappier cheese selection, including a lack of mustard-seed gouda.
http://www.igourmet.com/shoppe/prodview.aspx?prod=717S
(the mustard-seed WAS my favorite, the nettles now IS, both go great sliced thin on wide strips of bacon)
(igourmet.com : it’s expensive, but packed VERY well, and I’ll buy a bunch of cheeses, put one in the fridge and the rest in the freezer..)
In response to another comment. See in context »[...] from: Brian Donovan – NewsCast Aside – Give the Gift of Crap: Omaha … Share and [...]
In theory, well-aged premium steaks should be relatively shippable. And really really expensive.
I’d be more interested in a collective-style arrangement where you get together with a bunch of partners, pool enough $$$ to buy a cow or bull and have it butchered professionally, then you get back your share of the meat.
Sort of like a beef co-op.