Too fat to drive, not too fat to deal drugs

Is there a more distinctly American story than this?

Stephen Turo, a morbidly obese drug dealer was transported straight to prison by Rural Metro Ambulance after he was sentenced in Cayuga County Court Wednesday to two years in prison.

Evil, thy name is beignet.

Stephen wasn’t transported by ambulance because of medical problems, which of course he has – you don’t get to be 600 lbs without a failed kidney or two. He went in an ambulance because he can’t fit in a traditional car. Which is nothing new. We Americans have been making a sport of not fitting in cars ever since the French showed us the many benefits of the beignet. But Stephen you see, had a can-do attitude. Most people facing his predicament would give up working. “It’s too hard to get around”…”my knees hurt”…”where did I leave that corn bread?” But in an impressive expression of American ingenuity, Stephen realized he could sell his pain medication using his wife as a drug runner (that’s right ladies, sorry – he’s taken). Pretty soon he was swimming in money (OK, wading) without ever having to leave his home. It’s the American dream come true.

A lot of people are having their fun with Stephen Turo. He became a punching bag for NY Daily News when he was arraigned on a loading dock (pictured above) in February, and found himself the butt of several late night jokes. Hell, I’ve made fun of him like four times already. But here’s the thing guys: Stephen Turo is America. He’s fat, he’s sick, and he’ll do whatever he can to earn an income. That’s all of us. Maybe we don’t all make as many bad decisions, but a whole lot of us have similar problems and equivalent goals. We just go about it a little differently. Sometimes. But hey, that’s capitalism, baby. We love consumption and consumption loves us. So I for one raise a buffalo wing to my brother Stephen and say “Onward, brave solider!” Good luck Mr. Turo, I hear the food in prison ain’t so hot.