Why The Yankees Must Win

"Alright, let's settle this once and for all. Which of us is the bigger douche?"

It’s been too long, hasn’t it? No, not since my last post, since the Yankees won a World Series. The year 2000. Can you believe that? Remember when we all thought the world was gonna blow up because computers couldn’t recognize 2000 as a date? That was a few months before the Yankees last won anything. In 2000, “American Beauty” was a Best Picture. George Bush was a concerning, though not altogether terrifying Presidential candidate. In 2000, Beyonce was still that cute girl on the left in Destiny’s Child. That’s the last time the Yankees won. And I feel it’s time for a change.

I hate the Yankees. I mean, I desperately, deep-down, in a place that only funny cat pictures and beautiful women can touch, hate the Yankees. As loyal readers (family members) know, I’m a Boston guy. Grew up there, visit often, obsess over their sporting teams. So it’s not easy for me to write this. But I will try. The Y.aaankkees…should win the Wooorld…Suhuheries. Phew. I did it. My fingers are starting to bleed. The thing is, it’s the natural order of things. The Yankees were meant to dominate baseball. It’s always been that way, and it’s a world we understand how to live in. Yankee fans need it, as their hysterical arrogance and delirious sense of entitlement don’t know how to compute when they’re runners up. Every morning I see them stutter and slump on the way to the subway, and it’s just sad.

We could really use a little Victor Mature right now...

The rest of us need the Yankees too, don’t we? A great evil that we can all rise up against and strive to conquer? When the Yankees lose, despite outspending and outblustering the rest of the league combined, it’s fun once or twice. (OK, four or five times.) But after a while it feels empty. Where’s our enemy? Where’s our rival? What’s the fun in wearing the white hat if the guy in the black one is kinda a wuss? Watching New York’s big time acquisitions implode — the Jeff Weaver’s, the Kevin Brown’s, the Randy Johnson’s — isn’t fun if you know it’s gonna happen every time. There’s gotta be stakes. There’s gotta be drama. The Yankees have to succeed on occasion, just to make the failures all the more sweet.

Remember the day they toppled the Steinbrenner statue?

And let’s face it, the world hasn’t exactly been peachy since the Yankees stopped winning World Series. Unemployment? Sky high. Economy? In the crap house. The dollar was worth 25% more in 2000, and Radiohead was still making good music. The world was a better place. You know the War on Terror? The biggest American disaster in…lotsa years? Remember when that bad boy started? That’s right…2001. The first year in three years that the Yankees didn’t win the World Series. You with me here? Am I saying the Yankees caused the Iraq War? No…but I’m not not saying it either.

The fact is the world is out of balance, and maybe…just maybe, the Yankees can set it right. It looks like for once they might finally have the pitching to do it. Unless of course the Red Sox stop them, like they did in the greatest postseason comeback in the history of professional sports. (Had to sneak that one in there.) But if you think this is all crazy talk, just forward this to Yankee fan. They’ll tell what the knew all along – the Yankees are the most powerful force in all the world.