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Aug. 18 2009 - 2:22 pm | 10,676 views | 1 recommendation | 0 comments

Brett Favre Goes To The Grocery Store

favre_vikes Before Brett Favre boarded a plane to Minnesota where he was expected to again unretire and sign with the Vikings, he swung by the grocery store to pick up a few items…

Big day for Big Arm Brett. Gonna grab a few things at the store, then heading out to Minnesota. OW! Back in the league! Can’t wait. I’m ready! My arm feels good. So much stronger than I was last year, when I played for the…shit. Shit! I can’t remember. The Bills? No, I would remember Buffalo. Something with a ‘J’….the Jjjjj, the Jackals? No, that can’t be right. I don’t think they’re a team. Mental note, Brett – remember where you played last season. You’re a pro and that’s what pros do! — Oh! Frosted Flakes. I should get some Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes are like throwing a 40-yard pass into double coverage — I just can’t resist! But the season is starting soon and I gotta get back into shape, so maybe we should skip the Frosted Flakes….Crap! What should I do?!?! Frosted Flakes or no Frosted Flakes?!? I’m not getting ‘em. Moving on, next aisle. Wait. Shit. I really want Frosted Flakes. I can’t decide! You know what, screw it, let’s run back and get ‘em. No one’s gonna notice. Worst case scenario I can change my mind at checkout and ditch the box by the magazines. But I know one thing for sure – I am not getting no goddamned Pizza Rolls. I decided long ago that Brett Favre would not be eating Pizza Rolls anymore, and I’m sticking to it. I’m too old for food like that, and though they are delicious, they’re a thing of the past. Brett Favre Is Not Buying Pizza Rolls Ever Again…

I feel like that scene from Vertigo...

I feel like that scene from Vertigo...

…Dang it, another customer just asked me what I think about Michael Vick. Honest answer – never heard of the guy. No idea who he is. Listen, if the guy isn’t named Brett, Brett Favre, #4, Big Arm Brett, Gunslinger, or maybe John Madden, chances are I don’t know the sonofabitch. Gotta focus on what matters – and that’s me, Brett Favre. Oh, and my teammates. Who I call “chief”, “buddy”, and “that guy”. Apparently this Michael Vick character has been in the newspapers a lot. Newsflash, America: Brett Favre ain’t a big reader. Other than Field & Stream and Gunslinger Monthly, my self-published newsletter for all things by and about Brett Favre, I hardly read a lick — Holy moses they got a lotta varieties of Ramen Noodles! What the frig am I gonna do here? Beef, Chicken, Hearty Chicken, Creamy Chicken, Salsa Picante Chicken?! How’s a man supposed to make up his mind? I’m feeling dizzy already. Dang it, my flight’s leaving soon, I gotta speed this up! Alright BF, be cool, be calm, make a rational decision. Do what you do when things get tight, when you’re back is against the wall, you can handle this! Take a few steps back, survey your options, and…throw an interception. Salsa Picante Chicken it is! Still no Pizza Rolls, told you, America!…

favre_head…Jesus Jones, I’ve been here for two and a half hours! How did that happen?! They got too many choices in this cockamamie grocery store. 25 different kinds of toothpaste?! Shoot – who needs that kinda headache? Screw it, I’ll just use soap. Might taste a little funny, but I’m a gamer. I’ll battle through because of my love for the game and my love of good dental hygiene. OK, time to checkout. Cashier choice used to be a nightmare for me, but I’ve worked out a system. Always go to register #4. That’s my number and I’m sticking with it. Damn, Brett, sometimes you’re a real genius. Mike McCarthy was wrong about you. Alright, now America, I need to tell you something that’s gonna come as a bit of a shock, but I’ve made up my mind and it’s time for you to know. I’m buying Pizza Rolls. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I have to! They’re just…they’re so good. And they’re so fun, and I just can’t imagine the next few days of my life without those hot little dumplings that taste like they got a whole pizza wrapped up in ‘em. I’m gonna hold a press conference, and I called my buddies to tell ‘em, but I want you the fans to know first. I’m back on the Pizza Rolls wagon. But I promise, absolutely and without qualification, that this is the last time I’m gonna do this. The next time I say I’m done with Pizza Rolls, I’m really done. Finito. Never again. I’m not gonna say I’m done then come back and buy a bunch more — that would just be ridiculous. And I am not ridiculous! You can trust your buddy, Brett. OK, gotta go catch my flight, see you soon Green Bay! Oh, sorry. See you soon, Minnesota!


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    About Me

    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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