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Jun. 11 2009 - 3:59 pm | 111 views | 1 recommendation | 8 comments

Comfort Wipe: Best Invention Ever

Fact: the worst thing about going to the bathroom is using your arms. Agreed? Well fret no longer no ladies and gentleman, as God has given us The Comfort Wipe. (And yes, I think this item was directly created by God for our use. Kinda like the sun.)

[youtube url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM]

I believe the “big guy” is suggesting that fat people can’t wipe their behinds? Is that true? Is that really a thing? If it is, Good Lord do I have to start taking the gym more seriously. If “unable to reach own butt” is a potential pitfall of letting yourself go, then I…well, I don’t know what I’m doing here blogging. I, and you, and everyone you’ve ever met needs to get on a treadmill pronto. If not you may never again TOUCH YOUR OWN BUTT! And what do you do if you actually need the comfort wipe – do you carry it with you wherever you go? Then, if someone asks what it is, you say…what exactly? “Oh it’s just a stick I use to clean my ass.” Bet that’d go over great at a job interview.

And how about the jaunty old lady at the end, who seems to be sort of interested in the C-W (that’s what the kids call it) and sort of trying to hit on the cameraman. Hey lady, this is serious business. Could you tone down the “flirty senior citizen” shitck — we’re trying to sell butt poles here.  Show the Comfort Wipe a little respect.

Anyway, I’m gonna buy a couple, anyone want in?

(thanks for the find buzzfeed!)


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  1. collapse expand

    Thank goodness there’s finally an anatomically designed arm-extension wiping device! For years I’ve been using a metal pole with a fork duct-taped to the end, and it’s just been so uncomfortable.

    • collapse expand

      It reminds me of perhaps my favorite Simpsons – “King Size Homer”, where Homer gains enough weight to be considered disabled. Eventually his hand becomes too meaty to use the phone, so he orders a “dialing wand”, which is surprisingly similar in principle to the Comfort Wipe. Except of course that one is a joke, and one is completely real and yours now for 19.95 plus shipping.

      In response to another comment. See in context »
  2. collapse expand

    Some things are just too good to be true. This ad. The actors, who sadly may never be in front of a camera ever again. The whole idea of a stick to wipe your own ass. I’m still holding out for when I can get a robot to do what the ol’ C-W makes us do manually.

  3. collapse expand

    Brian,

    You have, very quickly I might add, found the perfect time that you should have used your previous post. For $3.95 you could have used corrupted-files.com and sent that to your boss. It may have cost more that $3.95, as it would have been a Custom Order.

    I don’t know what to say about such a useless product except, maybe, you have proved the invaluable lesson that there truly is something out there for everyone. I guess it is for home use only, as anyone that has seen this ad would know why you were carrying around this device.

    I come from a long line of the constipated. We joke that toilet paper is only used for “confirmation,” as everything comes out hard as a rock. True, that is too much information, but so was this commercial. It seems about as convenient as using a tennis racket or a golf club to wipe your butt. I felt immediately compelled to run my anti-virus software after reading their site and watching the commercial, which never did load properly. I was probably lucky.

    But, it was hysterical nonetheless.

    Sandy

  4. collapse expand

    Thank god no actual demonstration of it in use, I’ve already sent off the link to a slew of people!

  5. collapse expand

    I think, if C-W really puts their minds to it, they could become the next Snuggie. I mean sure, a blanket with arms is funny – but what’s funnier than a butt stick? NOTHING is the answer.

    Sandy, I think if this takes off there’s a solid chance that your tennis racket idea could find its place as a niche alternative.

    Brian, we can only open hope that the inevitable follow up video shows similar decorum. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

  6. collapse expand

    I loved “the first improvement to toilet paper since the 1800’s”. Really? How about t.p. that doesn’t make your ass bleed every time you crap? I think that was a fair improvement too.

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    About Me

    Twitter: @b_donovan

    I am a writer, actor, and North Korean Dictator. Over the years though I've written for everything from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to Fox News to Chapelle's Show, and can be seen frequently on Vh1 making snide remarks at the expense of others. Recently I was the Head Writer of "Fair Game", a news and comedy show from Public Radio International. My interests range from news to sports to entertainment, so this blog should read kinda like the evening news, except funnier and with less Brian Williams. Fuck Brian Williams.

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