How many will die this Black Friday?
Wal-mart is assuring the nation that this year will be different. That they’ve beefed up crowd-control measures so that nobody will have to die this year in the annual crush for Black Friday deals. I wish I could believe them. After all, last year it was a Wal-Mart employee who was trampled at a store in Long Island by frenzied customers dead set on spending what little remained of their 401 K plans.
And look at the economy 12 months later. If you ask me, we’re looking at a potential bargain hunting blood bath. And it may not be limited to America’s top retailer, either. Apple stores seem like a perfect place to meet your end. Today, rumors were spread on the internet about a big, secret Black Friday sale on i-Macs and i-Pods. How big are these discounts that have Huffington Post readers (among others) salivating? Save up to 25%! One day only! If you’ve been to a Mac store lately, you know they are so packed on a normal day that there’s barely any room already titillated, if not slightly bewildered customers. Throw in a hundred dollars off on a i-Pod and the whole place could blow.
But you need not leave your house to experience our Black Friday hypnosis. QVC is scheming to keep you glued to your television set (which you’d be stupid not to purchase on Black Friday). It’s going all in on a telethon-like production, with a host who’ll pull a Jerry Lewis and stay up for 28 solid hours, lose his voice, and sell, sell, sell a slew of new, new, new products at hitherto unheard of prices. With deals like these, you’d be crazy to leave your couch to go to the bathroom.
Black Friday is a holy day in America. More holy than Good Friday, if you judge it in terms of energy and excitement. It is the day that defines our retail reality. Good Black Friday receipts are like a divine message, a groundhog seeing its shadow. To be in the black as a result of massive Black Friday sales is every store owner’s dream. And it means that our collective recession suffering may finally be coming to an end. Let us pray.
So fire up the camcorder, and let’s get this Lord of the Flies, running of the bulls action started. It’s Black Friday yet again.