In the mid-aughts, Jackie Mason wrote occasional features for a magazine called The Comical that covered the stand up industry. He used the opportunity to explain how awesome Jackie Mason is and heap mountains of bile on recently dead peers such as Henny Youngman (“lowlife bastard”) and Rodney Dangerfield (“fucking jerk”).

Though I strive to come in lower on the scale of Self-Important Paranoid Jerks, I did feel decidedly Mason-ish last week when I greeted news of Mercury’s pending demise with a shrug. Though I don’t have a strong hatred of the 72-year old brand, I don’t have any love either. But passion, whether positive or negative, is important for a writer, so I thought I’d spend a moment peeing on the grave of some automotive relics whose death I welcome.

Perhaps you’ll pee with me?

Personal Luxury Coupes
Remember how ubiquitous these were? Chevy had the Monte Carlo, Chrysler had the Cordoba, and even Volvo got in the act with the comically-styled 262C Bertone Coupé Just as large as the family sedans on which they were based, these long-hooded land cruisers were neither sporty nor practical, just flashy. With few exceptions (the AMC Matador and most pre-Reagon era Buick Rivieras) these were wildly tacky cars. They thankfully died a slow death after the 70s ended and are now rarely seen outside the high end of the market by brands like Mercedes, Cadillac and hysterically, Maybach.

1978 Mercury Cougar with vinyl half-roof

Vinyl Roofs
Also pretty ubiquitous, these were originally meant to evoke the look of a convertible top, but took on a life of their own by the 60s and became a popular styling element. Even Rolls Royce offered a vinyl covering called Everflex until well into the 1980s.

My hatred for these things began at a young age, when park officials at the Wild Safari drive-thru zoo at Great adventure prevented my family from entering certain sections of the park grounds with our 1972 Buick Electra because the primates housed there found vinyl delicious and might peel off and eat our roof.

The park rangers NEVER asked me or my young sisters if we wanted to see monkeys eat our roof. A terrible oversight on their part.

Giant Signage
A lot of European sports car manufacturers decided that they didn’t want their cars to speak for themselves in the late 70s and early 80, so they decided to let oversized signs do the talking. If you owned a Lotus Esprit Turbo from the era, there was a very good chance it had gigantic gold or black lettering on its sides, front, and rear indicating that it was, in fact, a Esprit Turbo, and not a wheel barrel, puppy, or any other non-Esprit Turbo object that exists in the known universe. This is very useful for people who are literate, but also really, really easily confused.

Porsche got in the act too, making use of the entire rear light bar on its 911 for branding. And, if you were lucky enough to be able to afford one of Audi’s rare Quattro coupes, the company made sure everyone knew about it by painting its logo on each side in script large enough to be visible from space.

1981 Lotus Esprit Turbo

Fake Woodies
The rear cabs of station wagons were made out of varnished wood well into the early 1950s, but afterward, safety issues and common sense put a stop to this and wagons were made out of steel like other cars. But by the mid-60s car manufacturers began regularly adding tacky fake wood appliques to their wagons in a manner that both invoked and insulted the legacy of the real woodies. Thankfully, mainstream manufacturers had by and large stopped offering these homely homages by the 90s. Lincoln’s short-lived Blackwood luxury pickup truck of 2001-2002 had fake black wood covering its cargo box, but then, it’s not a wagon (or a real pickup, for that matter).

I hope the popularity of oversized rims and fake air vents suffer painful deaths in the near future and I can add those monstrosities to this list, but for now this will have to do.

What evil force is driving automakers to shove fake venting on the flanks of seemingly every other car on the road?

2010 Ford Taurus

Dodge Nitro

I understand that modern cars and trucks are generally taller now than they’ve been in recent decades –  a multitude of safety regulations and drivers’ preference to see above traffic has resulted in a bit of a vertical arms race – but isn’t there any other way break up a vehicle’s outline or add visual flair?

I wouldn’t mind so much if they worked to vent engine heat, or fed extra air to the engine, but blinged-out FAKE vents made of chromed plastic just look tacky.

Et tu, Mini Cooper?

To be sure, tacking shiny nonfunctional crap onto cars is hardly a 21st century creation. GM’s Harley Earl, the most famous and among the most influential car designers to have ever lived, not only helped bring tailfins and planned obsolescence to the automotive world (thanks a lot, Harley!), but also made sure Buicks were known for their decorative portholes and giant chrome spears. GM’s arch rival, Ford, put prominent fake vents on the first Mustang back in 1964 (you can still see a vestigial homage to these vents shaped into the sides of modern Mustangs, in front of the rear wheels).

Fake vent on a '65 Mustang

But enough is enough, okay? If I want to pimp out my car, I’ll do it myself.

You’ve probably heard that, having shed the luxurious money holes Jaguar, Aston Martin and Land Rover, as well as the profitable but non-core Volvo, Ford is now looking to close out its Mercury brand.

Lincoln Mercury dealers have lived for years with rumors that the Mercury name would be exiled to history, but the reality may be just days or weeks away.

Dealers contacted Friday by the Free Press said they remain in the dark, but acknowledged that without several new vehicles Mercury is dead anyway, given its low sales volume and few products.

They also said Ford needs to further focus on the Lincoln brand to help the country’s nearly 292 Lincoln Mercury dealers who don’t also have a Ford franchise have a viable franchise.

via Mercury’s days seem numbered | freep.com | Detroit Free Press.

1967 Mercury Cougar

First-gen Cougars of 1967 are better looking than their ubiquitious Mustang twins, but Mercury has languished in the decades that followed. The brand hasn’t had a product that is both distinct and compelling since the most recent variant of the Marauder ended its short run back in 2004 (and “not too sucky” might be a better descriptor for that all-black sedan). Mercury never really had a distinct identity beyond being a slightly upmarket Ford, so I don’t see many mourning its passing.

In what looks like a solution in search of a problem, someone’s built the world’s first two-wheeled hearse.

Built in Auckland, New Zealand by an automotive engineer, the bike can carry up to 440 lbs in an underbelly cradle. Push a button and the rig slides out to let the pallbearers do their thing. A complex system of hydraulics helps stabilize everything, and two riders are needed to get the deceased from place to place.

Power comes courtesy of a 1,350 cc Harley-Davidson engine, and the motorcycle hearse’s inventor, Mike Price, says that he originally wanted to partner with them on the project.

via Autoblog — We Obsessively Cover The Auto Industry.

The need for two riders to work in synch will probably prevent this from moving much faster than jogging speed, but then it’s not meant for pulling wheelies and any passenger won’t be in a rush. Of greater technical importance will be keeping the deceased securely in position during transit, since all two wheelers have to lean into turns no matter how advanced their hydraulics are.

I suppose this offers an alternative to the  trike funeral business burgeoning both here and abroad over the past few years.

Concerned that psychotic, socially retarded teens don’t have enough ways to kill you? Fear not (fear a lot?) because help is on the way!

Automobiles, which will be increasingly connected to the Internet in the near future, could be vulnerable to hackers just as computers are now, two teams of computer scientists are warning in a paper to be presented next week.

The scientists say that they were able to remotely control braking and other functions, and that the car industry was running the risk of repeating the security mistakes of the PC industry.

via Cars’ Computer Systems Called at Risk to Hackers – NYTimes.com.

Ever since penny farthings gave way to more modern multi-speed bikes, vehicles have been getting ever more complicated. Whereas electronically controlled throttle, braking and steering were fairly rare just eight years ago, such systems are now common on new cars.

The ways in which personal vehicles can be controlled remotely or self-controlled by the vehicle’s own computer are also increasing.

GM is continually touting the ability of its OnStar wireless technology to remotely cut power to a stolen vehicle and unlock doors for owners who’ve misplaced their keys. Both Ford and Toyota are offering optional systems that let vehicles scan available parking spots, then work the steering and accelerator to park themselves.

These new systems offer a lot of convenience to buyers, as well as fuel economy and packaging advantages (electronic steering and brakes are generally lighter and more space efficient than older hydraulic and mechanical systems).

What I’m nervous about is that manufacturers are getting ahead of themselves throwing technology into vehicles for marketing purposes without fully working out the kinks.

Remember when early airbags were harming children and shorter adults? In time, consumer awareness coupled with a new generation of smarter airbags to largely take care of that issue, but not before dozens of needless deaths. Let’s pray automotive hacking never gets that far.

My thanks to the computer security specialists for alerting us to this new potential threat.