Why I’ll see ‘2012,’ but not understand it

Last week, as I laughed my way through the trailer for Roland Emmerich’s 2012, the new doomsday flick due for releases on November 13th (Friday the 13th), I suddenly realized that I’ll probably go see it.

Here’s the trailer:

Okay, so ignoring the glaring error that starts the trailer off (that the Mayans were “Mankind’s earliest civilization”), the rest of it quickly careens off into ridiculous territory pretty quickly. The crack in the Sistine Chapel ceiling that just happens to divide God and Adam? Government arcs to save mankind? John Cusack?

But then I suddenly realized that if the film’s premise proves to be true – that the apocalypse will come on December 21, 2012 – I won’t be around to see how it all turns out, so I decided that I might as well see a film about it now. However, I was also doubtful that it will answer any of my questions surrounding the 2012 apocalypse theories. For that I turned to the Internet, and I’m more confused than ever before. Turns out, like most other massive conspiracy theories, it tells us more about ourselves now than it does predict the future.

See, the thing about the 2012 apocalypse theory is that it’s actually about a thousand theories wrapped together. And, as is usually the case with something like this, everything is on the table and given equal weight. Obviously poking holes in a conspiracy theory this big is easy, but figuring out why so many people are convinced it’s the truth is a bit more difficult.

Basically, for those of us a little slow to inhale the swirling insanity that has slowly built into a weird phenomenon, the 2012 doomsday theory originates with the Mayan long calendar that apparently ends sometime around December 21, 2012. From there it gets a little wild. Basically, December 21, 2012 will usher in everything from mass spiritual awakening to the mysterious planet Nibiru crashing into Earth (or pass so close that it will actually reverse the Earth’s rotation, suggesting that for a moment the world will actually, for once, stop turning for something). Between that, there’s: the theory that the date marks when the Earth will pass through the galactic plane (already happened in 1998); the one about solar flares crippling all communications systems on Earth; that a geomagnetic shift will wreak havoc and cause mass devastation; and that when galactic alignment occurs, it will cause the sun to become a black hole that will connect with the one at the centre of our galaxy and obviously swallow us into oblivion.

Heavy, right?

There’s more. As the 2012 trailer suggests, there is the other side of the doomsday theory: the human angle. What will we all do when the end comes? Personally, I’ll be wondering who left the lights on in the White House. But for the rest of humanity, 2012 gives us all another reason to start questioning what’s really going on with our governments. What are they hiding? A lot of the “governments are prepared but you’re not” thinking arose from a “letter” from an unnamed Norwegian diplomat who claimed that he’d seen the underground tunnels that have been built (and that have areas to separate ‘humans’ from ‘not humans’) while he was in the military.

If it all sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. As I said, poking holes in the multi-layered theory isn’t difficult, and nor is finding counter-theories. But why do people subscribe to it so fully?

The imposition of our own expectations of the apocalypse onto an obscure, altered, largely inaccurate vision of the Mayans is not only misguided, but it smacks of self-importance. Of course we’re the final civilization. Who could possibly be more important? Even the Mayans were writing us messages. But finding hidden messages in “historical” texts that supposedly point to future events assumes that people in the past knew more than we did. Certainly, past civilizations were amazingly impressive in their mapping of stars and mathematical calculations, but they were still human. Their ability to predict the future was as good as ours is now.

Knowing the apocalypse is coming is also a convenient way to deal with global events because it simplifies everything: Iran developing nuclear technology? Sign of the apocalypse. Economic meltdown? Sign of the apocalypse. H1N1? Sign of the apocalypse. Barack Obama? Sign of the apocalypse. You get the idea. And all of this apocalypse talk not only ignores that humanity has faced these kinds of things before (what did our grandparents think after living through a flu pandemic, the Depression, and two world wars, only to face the Cuban Missile Crisis? Was it the apocalypse? Nope.), but deciding that everything is part of impending global doom allows everyone to disengage. It’s an easy default setting for anyone bored with regular politics or democracy, and entertains the kind of people who really can’t be bothered to pay attention to what’s actually happening.

Instead, it lets believers speculate on the “real” intent behind government decisions, and the “real” story that nobody knows and that only a poorly-designed internet site can explain. It speaks to our growing acceptance of the Internet as the final word on real life, and entertains our most self-aggrandizing fantasies – it lets everyone who wants to feel like the most important person around. After all, they know when the end of the world is coming and you don’t. That is, until November 13, when Roland Emmerich lets the cat out of the bag.

And then we’ll have to ask ourselves: So what? So what if there’s a massive catastrophe, or if the governments of the world are all conspiring to take only a select few elites underground to ride the whole thing out for a while? Who cares? Most of us will be dead anyway, so why worry? Might as well get on with seemingly trivial things like politics and jobs. “Knowing” the world will end on December 21, 2012 is sort of like being on death row. We still need to pass the time.