Texas Assassinates Thomas Jefferson

JEFFERSON IS KILLED BY BOARD OF EDUCATION DECISION IN TEXAS, WHERE HE RESIDED IN TEXTBOOKS;
JOHN CALVIN SWORN IN

Mrs. Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson Unavailable for Comment. Former President is Struck Down by a Board of Education Vote in Austin.

When will Oliver Stone make 'TJ' the movie?

Austin, Mar. 18–President Thomas Jefferson was removed from office and killed by assassins. He died from an existential shot in the dark caused by a board vote that was fired at him while he was educating Texas children.

Theologian John Calvin was sworn in as Jefferson’s successor in the Texas curriculum minutes after the president’s death.

Mr. Calvin is 445 years old; Mr. Jefferson was 183.

Shortly before the assassination, Board of Education member Cynthia Dunbar made a motion to change a standard enabling students to study the impact of Enlightenment ideas on political revolutions from 1750 to the present. She proposed to drop the reference to Enlightenment ideas (replacing with “the writings of”) and to Thomas Jefferson. She added Thomas Aquinas and others. Jefferson’s ideas, she argued, were based on other political philosophers listed in the standards. Board member Bob Craig of Lubbock pointed out that the curriculum writers clearly wanted students to study Enlightenment ideas and Jefferson. Dunbar’s amendment was approved by the Board. And President Jefferson was eliminated.

Disciples of Enlightenment cried “Oh no!” immediately after the president was struck.

Mr. Calvin made no statement.

The blow, witnesses say, seems to have come from the right and the rear of the United States democracy constitutional republic. Reports that shots rang out were later revealed to be gavels sounding off. The Texas Public School Book Depository in Dallas is not considered to be directly involved, and Elm Street remains open.