The horrible beauty of the ‘Amazon Oddities’ tag
Finding crazy crap on Amazon has been a popular hobby for the – how shall we say – ‘time-affluent’ among us since the beginning of the site. But I’ve just discovered how the rest of us can keep on that category of products that makes you wonder equally about the kind of people who buy this stuff and the kind of people that would sell it: the Amazon Oddities tag. Essential items like Fresh Whole Rabbit and books like The Ancient Art of Strangulation or Knitting With Dog Hair are great, but where you can really get lost in WTF Land is when you browse the Customers Who Bought Related Items Also Bought section. I don’t even want to know why customers who looked at the 32 oz jug of Wolf Urine went straight to the Disposable Plastic Vaginal Speculums 10 pack. Takes all kinds? Even a product as wholesomely banal as Tuscan Whole Milk (1 gallon size) isn’t immune from getting the oddities tag – though that’s mainly due to the comments section, which has reached short-story collection status at this point. A typical review:
“He always brought home milk on Friday.
After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist – I was always cooking dinner – and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.”
I won’t spoil the ending, but if you like that review section, you’ll love the (28 page) one for Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt.
I’m also thinking of purchasing the courageous whistleblower book, Thanks For The Memories … The Truth Has Set Me Free! The Memoirs of Bob Hope’s and Henry Kissinger’s Mind-Controlled Slave just to have out on the coffee table for new guests to peruse while I’m in the bathroom. Give ‘em something to think about.
Post Your Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment
T/S Members
Log in with your True/Slant account.
“I run barefoot over the cracked and fractured clay ground, the full moon illuminates the open desert before me. I hesitate for a moment, the heady aromas of cactus blossom and carrion fills my nostrils. My sense of smell heightened, I wonder–am I running from the wolves or with them? Have my captors become my nightself? The moon deceiveth me–but anon no longer do I wander. Wolfshirt.”
There really needs to be a separate Pulitzer for Review Short Fiction.