This Susan Boyle Thing, It’s Enough Already
By Colin Goldman
She’s a sweet lady, but haven’t you kind of had enough of Susan Boyle? The Scottish chanteuse came to prominence through her dazzling performance on the amateur talent program, Britain’s Got Talent, in August of last year, with a recording of the performance quickly going uber-viral on YouTube to viewers around the globe.
Just a year later, the crooning highlander’s first album has dropped and is dominating the billboard charts in the U.S. and around the world. But how will this overnight success story ultimately play out? Through a process we here at Celebuzz call, “uninformed wild-guessing”, we have surmised four possible outcomes to the Susan Boyle story:
1. The Fairytale Ending
A lonesome spinster her forty-eight years to date, Susan’s 2010 world tour in support of her album leads her into the company of a certain world-class golfer recently divorced from his wife following an extra-marital sex scandal of epic proportion. As Susan hails from the land where golf was invented, the two hit it off immediately and make plans for a future wedding, with vows optional.
2. The Winehouse
Newfound fame on the music circuit leads Susan into the seedy underbelly of the industry, including groupies, dirty needles, and sleazy drug-users and dealers just looking to corrupt the naive Ms. Boyle. Eyes barely open following a night of crack-binging, Susan finds a very unclothed Pete Doherty next to her in bed. Simon Cowell sponsors her rehab.
3. The Long, Slow, Decline
Susan entirely overplays her fifteen minutes of fame into two years of shame spiral, leading her to be labeled “The Next James Blunt”, and a never-ending string of weaker and weaker bookings and performances until she finds herself with a talk show on the Oxygen Channel. Yep, it gets that bad.
4. The Reverse Joaquin Phoenix
Having achieved such superstardom so easily in the world of music, Susan declares that she is no longer going to record music and is instead going to concentrate on her acting, which will ultimately lead her to being cast as Scotch Bonnet, a full-sized sedan with an impenetrable bumper in the Summer 2015 blockbuster, Transformers 5: Still Transforming.