Why Elin Needed A Pre-Nup — And Many Women Do
Image by George Eastman House via Flickr
The words “pre-nuptial agreement” are considered dirty in many circles, a pre-emptive land grab before the vows have even been exchanged. A pox on your blessed union before that unity candle has even been lit.
But if you choose to marry a man whose earnings vastly outsize yours — and if you, also, have chosen, as many women do, to pause or end your education, training or career to marry and or raise this man’s children or the children you now (also) bear with him, or if you uproot yourself so completely your career, and your own earning power, is seriously damaged to sustain this marriage — a pre-nup is not such a bad idea. Let alone, as many late-marrying or multiply-marrying women now do, if you come to the union with high earning power and may acquire significant shared marital assets.
Love is grand, but it doesn’t pay the mortgage. And, even if you think or fear your husband is being unfaithful, not everyone has the time, energy, skill or dough to hire a private detective to try to obtain definitive proof. His friends, colleagues and maybe even his family may lie to cover up for him. He lies to your face, no matter what you ask or how directly. Then what?
And the laws in many states don’t favor women and their needs. Some men, and their high-powered attorneys, flee their commitments far and fast. Divorce attorneys, and unless you opt for mediation, both sides need one — are breathtakingly expensive; I finally told mine I was scared to even pick the phone it cost so much per call. (He capped his fee.)
Hardly unique to me, my husband, an M.D. who was supporting me financially at the time, walked out of our home and brief marriage with very little warning. My family was far away in Canada. I had few friends. I had no job, no income, no liquid assets and no one willing or able to hand me the cash to tide me through the next few tumultuous and costly months. Without the pre-nup I initiated and negotiated — no, not much fun — I could have ended up homeless. I still live in the home I helped buy, thanks to this document.
We all make our choices, but covering your eyes to the consequences of those choices — like, hey, your husband might actually cheat or beat you or run a Ponzi scheme and then you might need or want to find and move into a new home, or even a hotel, fast, or have enough cash in hand to stay in the home you’re now in — isn’t smart.
Yes, you need to trust your spouse. You also need some financial backup in a nation with so high a divorce rate. Women need to be smart and protect themselves financially, no matter who they marry.
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Ms. Kelly,
My initial thought to your piece was that for the vast majority of women this is all a moot point. In 2005 85% of households earned less than 100,000 USD per year in the US. For the women in those households who are married, how many would a prenuptial agreement improve their post marriage situation as opposed to simply relying on principles set in statute? I suspect that the answer is “not too many”.
However then I did that most dangerous of things and thought some more.
In the past prenuptial agreements were quite common for people with property (than, as now, a distinct minority of the population). They were called less daintily “marriage contracts”. Post marriage financial arranges were generally but one component of that contract. Requirements for each party could be spelled not just after the marriage but before and during as well. All sorts of intimate details could be spelled out, e.g. minimum or maximum evenings wherein the wife’s bed would be made available to the husband.
This is all horribly unromantic but, if you think about it, ever so practical. So rather than a just a prenuptial agreement, perhaps a marriage contract is what more women need?
These days I think a pre-nup is also important because a lot of women are the breadwinners and end up supporting men. More than ever women have assets that need to be protected just as much as men do.
davidlosangeles, it’s a good question. Ideally, of course, the couple negotiates what works for them, but I’ve seen, and lived, what happens when a husband just disappears and a wife, accustomed to a standard of living — and having agreed to not work and be supported — has to find work again, fast.
It’s easy to abandon the marital home. Not so easy to replace your full-time income from a job you might have left months, years or even decades earlier.
The larger issue that troubles me, in general, is how little women likely understand the effects of divorce on their finances, to get one and to survive one — and how little the court system may actually offer them should they go that route.
A pre-nup, if the man or woman honors its terms, is a better promise you can survive the end of that marriage without destitution. Having to use or rely on lawyers or the courts is slow, expensive and ineffficient, as many women learn — too late — to their detriment and that of their kids.