The Most Bizarre E-mail I Have Ever Received
As an atheist who serves as director of communications for an atheist oriented PAC that once went by the name The Godless Americans Political Action Committee until we decided to switch to the less antagonistic-sounding moniker of Enlighten the Vote, and also being a regular contributor to Skeptic and Skeptical Inquirer, I am understandably privy to a steady of flow of mean e-mails. And frankly, I deserve them. Atheism is a supremely impolite attribute, amounting to a perpetual insult against the reasoning ability of billions of believers. Skepticism is even worse, being an asshole-driven movement intent on ensuring that no one gets to believe in awesome things like the pyramids having been built by fourth dimensional lizard beings who created humanity through genetic engineering before fleeing to the far side of the moon for reasons about which it would be irresponsible to speculate.
In my defense, though, I didn’t choose to be either an atheist or a skeptic; rather, these were simply mindsets I came to adopt around the age of 13 or so simply because I determined them to be the most accurate frameworks by which to view the universe. I much preferred my happily mystical childhood to my killjoy adulthood; having been raised by a New Age single mother who suggested that I was an Indigo Child with an alien soul, required that I meditate with her daily, prompted me to learn the more potentially significant quatrains of Nostradamus, and had me keep a dream journal next to my bed in order to better divine the future by way of my eternal connection to the collective unconscious, my pre-adolescence was far more interesting than my post-puberty sentience, devoid as it is of ghosts and prophecy and reincarnation and other such things in which I would very much like to believe simply out of appreciation for novelty. Also, I find atheism embarrassing, it being a stereotypical product of teenage angst, Nietsche-derived pseudo-intellectualism, and the mediocre thinker’s fetish for shock value. Being an atheist is like not owning a TV – completely rational, but best kept to one’s self.
So I feel no animosity for my various magic-oriented opponents, whether their respective manifestations of mysticism involve intelligent design, demonology, faith healing, Islam, majoring in English in expectation of becoming an English professor, homeopathic medicine, or whatever. Such irrational beliefs as this make the world a more enchanting place, one in which the failures of human reason are on perpetual display for those of us who lack the means to travel all the way over to South Africa in order to ask a Zulu whether raping a virgin is more or less likely to cure AIDs if the victim has had her clitoris ritually mutilated during infancy by way of a custom justified by religious patriarchy. Anyway, a little superstition never hurt anyone.
Despite my possibly sarcastic tolerance for the civilization-stifling beliefs of my de facto opponents, I will admit to some irritation that the e-mails they send me in response to my various works of secularism tend to be pretty formulaic. The Christians inevitably inform me that they have interceded on my behalf in order to convince Jesus to refrain from torturing me, the Jews like my articles because I’m usually too busy making fun of Christians to make fun of Jews, and the Muslims always send me kind and supportive notes because I have been posing for several years as a devout Sunni on several websites in order to pick fights with other atheists because I am the greatest internet troll in history.
Tonight, however, I received a pleasant surprise in the form of an e-mail from a fellow who calls himself David Mabus and with whom I was initially unfamiliar but felt compelled to Google due to the wonderfully strange nature of his message. The curmudgeonly blogger-biologist P.Z. Myers, I learned, noted a couple years back that this individual has long been contacting prominent figures within the skeptical community in order to keep everyone updated on a variety of matters ranging from the one million dollars allegedly owed to him by magician and psychic debunker James Randi to whatever the fuck it is he’s trying to say in the e-mail I just received from him (which I’m assuming was prompted by my latest column for Skeptical Inquirer, itself having gone up on the pub’s website a few hours earlier). For his part, Myers once floated the idea of calling the authorities on the guy due to his demonstrable insanity and stalky behavior. But then Myers’ idea of fun is to spend years studying up on a crucial branch of science with the proven ability to enhance endless facets of the human condition while also answering age-old questions about past origins and future possibilities and then to pass on that knowledge to those who will in turn use it to advance the cause of mankind, whereas my idea of fun is to talk to crazy people. Thus it is that I have just replied to the aforementioned e-mail – reprinted below – with a polite offer to debate the fellow on whatever subject it is that is intended to be addressed here:
Let me show you how SKEPTICS were partially responsible for 911
You don’t even have SCIENCE on your side…
You’re a perfect example of when PHILOSOPHY becomes an ENEMY OF LIFE…
not quite samantha with her *supernatural spit*, eh?
you were at the WRONG PLACE at the WRONG TIME…
this isn’t one of your little WORD GAMES…
blasphemy is a DEATH SENTENCE
you people actually BELIEVE the BS you preach!
GOD 1 – atheists 0
you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED…
Repent and turn to God or be destroyed…
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE…
my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE… it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism…
PRINCESS DI IS WEARING A NEW DRESS!
Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE…
we do like your music Lady Gaga, but…
The B**BQUAKE – 911
Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS…
they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND
RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*… FATAL ERROR!
they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the
inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization…
for a sample taste of PZ Myers’ GARBAGE…
HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!
HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!
how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
what happens when you LOSE Pascal’s Wager…
you FIGHT PAPER MONSTERS…
the blood and bodies of the atheist movement…
you mofos killed MICKEY MOUSE!!!!
this has more TRUTH then what Dawkins, Randi, Harris, Myers, and Shermer
combined have said in their entire lives…
they tried to BULLDOZE the entire METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION…
they LOST THE WAR……
you have FORFEIT YOUR SOUL, shermer… you have become an object in the material world, as you WISHED…
we’re gonna smash that TV…
They had become ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE AND OF GOD…
you pushed too much and *CROSSED THE LINE*
degenerates (PZ) or children (HEMANT) – ATHEISTS!
do you have anything to say, you STUPID LITTLE F*CKER?
how about I tell you, Mr. Shermer, EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THE WORLD is
THE BOOBQUAKE – 911!
RUN, ATHEISTS, RUN!!!
the 9th and FINAL RING of Dante’s Inferno is designed for little blaspheming traitors like you…
“This is the deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus…”
but at least FREE AIR CONDITIONING is included!