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Mar. 10 2009 - 1:20 am | 22 views | 0 recommendations | 11 comments

Someone give this kid a wedgie

Ok, kid, you’re smart. You’re 13 and you’ve already written a book. And it’s great that you’ve already figured out what smart people much older than you are have been trying to get their heads around for years: that American conservatism doesn’t have to be based on actual life experience — if it sounds nice and does a good enough job glossing over the pesky complications of the real world, then people are going to love it. Seven years of educational grounding (eight if you include Kindergarten) is apparently more than enough to form a coherent and appealing world view. Just listen to those whoops and hollers!

In fact, 13-year-old, you may really be on to something here. Watching you, it’s clear to me that the modernĀ  conservative message, as it’s “understood” by Palin-style conservatives today, is perhaps best delivered in exactly the way you packaged it: as a two-minute sound-bite in the mouth of a 13-year-old dork, who probably just stopped wearing Incredible Hulk Underoos last spring.

I love the emphasis on “personal responsibility” by someone who isn’t even old enough to get a job (or vote, or drive, or get into an R-rated movie). Where’s Neslon Muntz when you need him?


One T/S Member Comment Called Out, 11 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    Do seven years of home schooling, which the Times article about him says he receives, count as “seven years of educational grounding?”

  2. collapse expand

    I don’t see why not. But maybe I should rephrase to “seven years of indoctrination?”

  3. collapse expand

    Aherm. I believe the bully’s name is Nelson Muntz [straightens taped-together glasses, adjusts pocket protector, puts away Simpsons Episode Guide].

    I saw that kid on CNN. He looked like he had on clown lipstick. I felt bad for him.*

    * I didn’t feel bad for him.

  4. collapse expand

    Dude, I totally laughed out loud* at your comment.

    Thanks for the catch on Nelson’s name…


  5. collapse expand

    [kaltura-widget wid="jwdolc0o7s" size="comments" /]

  6. collapse expand

    How many cougar passes do you think Ann Coulter has already made at young Jonathan? 10? 20?

  7. collapse expand

    My theory, which makes use of your “clown lipstick” comment, Joseph, and answers your question about Ann Coulter, Brian, is that Ann Coulter is actually a vampire who is already sucking this kid’s blood each night for its restorative powers — with the twin advantage that she can also exert total mind control over everything he says. Hence the pale face and ruddy lips. Hence his already keen command of conservative code-wording and double-speak.

  8. collapse expand

    Wow. I’m in shock. Future Pat Buchanan?

  9. collapse expand

    It’s funny, this story rears its head like clockwork every couple of years…this is the third incarnation I’ve personally seen: precocious conservative kid gets speaking gigs, or hosts his own radio talk show, or, in this case, writes a book. He perfects a kind of mimicry that gets him some attention that probably earns him a full scholarship to Liberty University. It’s always a conservative kid, though, never a liberal. Perhaps because the liberal kids often try forming punk bads first and this holds them back a couple of years. Anyway, it’s creepy, but kind of harmless in that way where he still seems like just another kid trying to find himself and get acceptance from adults by kind of out-adulting them…this one’s just going through his William F. Buckley phase, and lord knows we’ve all done that.

  10. collapse expand

    If you check out vintage Himmler and Goebels WWII propaganda you can find some eeriie footage of the Hitler Youth Corps that was the original breeding ground for snot nosed,Damien clones like this kid.OMEN IV coming to a theatre near you.

  11. collapse expand

    Remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties?

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