Facebook has ruined the first date
Social networking sites complicate the first date
There are currently a series of catchy Dentyne ads that poke fun at our overly social-networked society. One ad shows two people hugging while the ad copy reads “Friend request accepted.” In another, a flannel-shirted guy leans into a cab to kiss a blonde-haired beauty and the ad proclaims the moment “the original instant message.” The ads encourage us to make real “face time” instead of Facebook time (and to chew Dentyne gum while we do it).
Technology has certainly changed the way that we date. More of us are getting on online dating sites. News reports over the past months have tracked the incline for online dating as the Dow has declined. Membership is up dramatically on subscription sites like Match.com and PerfectMatch.com, increasing 17 and 60 percent, respectively, compared to the same time last year. Some attribute the online dating site growth to the recession. The New York Times City Room Blog launched a feature yesterday encouraging readers to dish about their recession dating habits.
“People don’t want to be alone when times are tough,” said Sam Yagan, CEO of the free online dating site OKCupid.com which has 3.2 million users. Yagan said that the number of users signing up on a daily basis is up 60 percent, and that activity on the site, in terms of the number of messages sent and searches performed each day, has doubled over the past year.
While the recession may play a part, the online dating site boom also reflects a shift in societal norms in how we meet and woo. At a Manhattan party last weekend, a guy friend of mine was chatting with a woman for 20 minutes or so. When she left the party, she stopped by to say bye… and to ask for his last name. For the Facebook profile search.
The Facebook profile search has changed the way we get to know each other. Rather than exchanging numbers and setting up a date to determine if we like a person, we can use Facebook (or Google or MySpace or LinkedIn, etc.) to peruse the life of a potential paramour. Depending on one’s settings, we get to look over educational history, past and current jobs, friends, and photos galore. You can see the ex-girlfriend(s) or -boyfriend(s). You can get a sense of their sense of humor. You can see all the places they’ve traveled to. All the things that we used to discover over the course of a months-long courtship.
We’re turned into stalkers before we even really like someone.
During a recent interview for a story, a social networking and viral marketing guru remarked to me, “Facebook has ruined the first date.” Though this guy loves social networks, he readily admits that the elimination of privacy in the onset of relationships is problematic. “There’s nothing to talk about on the first date, because you already know all the little stuff,” he said.
There’s also the dilemma of deciding how much to admit to knowing. Do we have to assume that the other person has looked us up? Do we let on that we’ve looked him or her up, and already know about that recent trip to the Philippines? Do we play dumb and ask questions that we already know the answers to?
As if dating weren’t complicated enough.
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I hadn’t really thought about social media’s impact on dating, but I imagine it may actually be positive. I feel like it may enhance small talk because you already know a few things. As long as you’re not a person that posts their entire life on their profile, someone shouldn’t be able to find out everything before the first date.
But what do I know? It was late night IM conversations that were a catalyst for my relationship with my current wife.
I know – and how much does you google search or profile really tell someone about you? I guess the lack of anonimity can also be a good things because at least it might separate the liers from the truth tells, that if people are lying on-line as well.
I want to know how FB/Twitter has changed dating for *you,* Kashmir.
I work with social media a lot, and have been known to date from time to time. There’s definitely an upside and a downside. The upside is that you can tell a lot about a person beforehand and that can lead to all sorts of icebreakers. The downside is that you might prejudge someone beforehand, leading to perceived dealbreakers.
Well, Lisa. I can tell you Twitter has not yet had discernible effects on my dating life.
Facebook, on the other hand, has definitely jump-started a few relationships. So I’m thankful for its existence. But I hate that it lets me do pre-first-date research (and I’m definitely guilty of that — I wouldn’t be a good journalist if I didn’t, right?). Instead of resisting the research impulse, I choose to pretend during the date that I haven’t gone Face-stalking.
It is my impression that the vast majority of first dates are never truly “blind.” How is looking at someone’s online profile meaningfully different than asking for biographical information from friends/acquaintances who may know something about a prospective date?
Does online dating change the way we date? or does it merely expand the dating pool to include people who until recently would have been too remote to encounter though more traditional social channels? I suppose I’m asking if the tension in your piece stems less from how online dating affects first-date small talk, and more from accepting that online profile stalking is essentially an anonymous and solitary pursuit?
[...] So when two articles came across my desk (well, my computer screen, to be really precise) yesterday about dating in a digital world, I was reassured that I’m not the only one grappling with questions such as Do Technologies Like Facebook, Twitter and Cellphones Affect Dating Compatibility? and Has Facebook has ruined the first date? [...]
This just made me more paranoid at what little I believe there is to say about me on my Facebook page. And in the past, I’ve tried to refrain from adding anyone I’ve dated to any of my social networking circles. Believe it or not, I would get the, “Who’s that? Why is this girl so friendly with you? What did she mean by this? That girl in your pic, is she an ex?” J-Fucking-Cristo. I thought we all outgrew that stuff just after high school.